About Sophie

Hanging By A Moment Here With You

I woke up with a jolt at the sound of a car horn outside. My upstairs neighbor was probably running late again and her carpool was getting impatient. I closed my eyes again in an attempt to fall back asleep, when I suddenly remembered everything that transpired yesterday. I quickly opened them again, stared at the ceiling, then counted to ten, before I carefully turned to my left. I felt my heart drop then go on overdrive at the sight of the cold, empty side of my bed next to me.

"Was it all just a dream?" I clutched my chest, willing my heart to slow down because I didn't think I'd be able to take it if everything was all just a beautiful dream.

I slowly sat up on the bed and silently sent a prayer to God for last night to be as real as it felt. I looked around me and found everything in place. I slowly stood up to check on Sophie. She's still sleeping. I grabbed the baby monitor and put it in the pocket of my pajama pants, then went around the bed to check the spot where his backpack was last night. It was not there. I clutched my chest tighter, and prayed for strength to get through this hell of a joke on me.

I sat on the foot of my bed and wracked my brain for everything I could remember yesterday. Everything was so vivid. I touched my swollen lips and felt goosebumps all over me at the memory of his teeth playfully nibbling on them. That couldn't be a dream. For sure, my parents and siblings leaving was real. When did the dream start? How did I get home? I felt the first few tears on my arm as I come to the awful realization that it might have been all just the unconscious part of my brain giving in to what I wanted... it was all just a dream again... like the other ones before. Only this time was more painful because I got to introduce Sophie to him and I got to see how happy he was at finding out about her. I moved my gaze at the direction of her crib. My poor baby will never know her father. I took a deep breath, like I've always done whenever I'd wake up after dreaming of him. I hastily wiped the tears on my face and quickly checked the clock on the bedside table. Six twenty four in the morning. I took my phone from my purse, surprised that it hadn't died yet and sent a quick message to Ninna that I would like to just take the day off.

I debated with myself whether I should go back to bed and sleep the whole day or go and at least make coffee. Either way, I told myself that life would go on, for me and for my daughter.

"Fine. Coffee then," I said to myself.

I dragged myself out of the room and found the living room quiet, but OCD attacked and I had to fix the throw pillows that Kuya Nico probably left in disarray on the couch last night.

"Hi." I jumped and nearly had a heart attack at the sound of the soft but hoarse, deep voice from the kitchen. I turned and found him smiling, his dimple deeper as ever, leaning on the counter, holding my favorite yellow mug. I watched him take a sip, put the mug down on the dining table, then slowly walked towards me. My emotions paralyzed me in place as hot tears cascaded down my cheeks at the relief that immediately washed over me.

"You're here. Are you real? You're here with me? Last night was not a dream?" I was about to slap myself when I felt his hands on either side of my face, then his soft lips on mine as he gave me a lingering but chaste kiss.

"Good morning, love. You're still so funny in the morning. This is like deja vu, only we're not in bed." He chuckled a bit, but probably noticed my tears in the faint light of the rising sun, and wiped them with his thumbs. I immediately wrapped my arms tight around his waist, before I could stop myself. He then wrapped his arms around my shoulders and ran his fingers through my hair as I let my tears wet his borrowed shirt.

"I thought it was all a dream... and I woke up alone... and then your backpack was not there... and there was no sign of you in my room..." I said, my voice shaking between sobs. It's almost embarrassing how much I fear losing him again.