*I Won't Pretend I Don't Exist* Brian Haner

*Chapter Two* Funeral Marches and Bitch Slaps

    I stood in front of the mirror in the bathroom, glaring at my reflection. I willed some sort of emotion to rise to my face for what I was about to do, but the mask I wore was a detached one.

    “You have to feel something.” I scolded myself under my breath. The door to the bathroom opened and I jumped, turning to face the intruder.

    “Shit, sorry, Shan.” Brian said, turning his face away.

    “It’s fine. I’m decent. Just…” I sighed. “Arguing with myself.” I let my head drop forward.

    “Happens to the best of us. Just don’t let you win.” I closed my eyes, smiling in defeat. “Need a few more minutes?” He asked, starting to back out.

    “Yeah, but not in here. It’s all yours.” I said, catching the door and pulling it open all the way. “Let Matty know for me?”

    “You got it.” I smiled briefly at him and went across the hall into my room. I stood inside the closed door for a few minutes, breathing deep. I closed my eyes and forced myself into a calm I didn’t feel. I grabbed my cell phone and went to stick it in my pocket, only to remember that I was wearing a dress. I sighed. I contemplated my dilemma for a second before finally sticking in my bra. I just hoped it didn’t ring during the funeral. I straightened out my dress and opened my door. I walked calmly down the stairs, holding onto the banister so I wouldn’t fall in my heels. Even though I was used to wearing the stupid contraptions, didn’t mean I wouldn’t fall. It would be just my luck that it would happen in front of the guys.

    I reached the bottom, unscathed and Jimmy offered me his arm to walk me out to the car. I took it gratefully, linking my arm with his and we went out to Matt’s Yukon. Matt climbed in the driver’s seat, Johnny and Zacky climbed into the very back and Jimmy helped me into the second row. Brian sat next to me and Jimmy took his place next to Matt in the passenger seat. The car started and was backed out of the long drive way. Jimmy stretched his arm back and I placed my hand in his warm one, welcoming the warmth. Brian watched the exchange and smiled at me. After a few minutes, I let go of Jimmy’s hand so he could get some feeling back into it. I turned my face and stared out the window at the scenery I hadn’t seen since I was fourteen. Matt made the turn into the cemetery where our grandparents were buried, and soon-our father would be. My breathing became shallow as my nerves mounted and I reached for Brian’s hand on the seat next to mine for comfort. He laced his fingers with mine and gave them a squeeze. I watched the headstones pass and after a few minutes Matt stopped the car. I let go of Brian’s hand so he could get out and I closed my eyes, forcing myself to take a deep breath.

    I could do this.

    I am stronger than this.

    I got out of the car and Jimmy was at my side, his sunglasses covering up his hangover. He took my hand in his and we followed Matt, Brian, Zacky and Johnny over towards the gravesite. People were already gathered around the large hole in the ground, the priest was standing by the headstone and chairs were set up along one side. My steps faltered as we got closer and Jimmy noticed, removing his arm from mine and wrapping it around me. I was shaking at this point, trying to keep my breath even.

    I can’t do this.

    I shouldn’t be here.

    My companion seemed to sense my desire to run, but he wouldn’t let me.

    “You have every right to be here.” He whispered softly. “Whatever you were running from, this will be a good thing.” He reassured me. I nodded and straightened my posture. “There she is.” He pressed a kiss firmly to the top of my head and stopped at the second row of seats where Zacky, Brian and Johnny were already sitting. “This is me.” He said. I nodded and looked to where my brother was standing next to a tall, straight backed woman. She looked like she had a frigid metal pole stuck up the back of her dress to keep her posture that ram-rod straight. I refrained from gulping, she was like a shark. She would be able to sense my fear. I picked my chin  up and walked past her, ignoring her completely and went to stand on the other side of my brother. He met my gaze and we both sat down. Only the woman next to Matt remained standing. I cast my gaze around for something to distract me and my eyes landed on the coffin. I bit my lip and jumped slightly when a hand was placed on my right shoulder, squeezing it tightly. I knew the hand belonged to Jimmy. I reached up with my left hand and touched the fingers. The contact was comforting and just what I needed. I spotted Mahleigh across the grave and she smiled sadly at me. I gave a small wave.