Phil had always considered himself as straight. No doubt about it, he'd never had any different thoughts towards the male gender and always saw them on a platonic level. He'd dated girls and enjoyed it, never thought differently. However he was now questioning whether this was because that was what seemed right? Why had he never considered dating a boy or even look at them a different way than just friends? Right now he was looking at Dan and that had all changed. Sure, he'd seen a boy shirtless before, he'd even seen some of his friends practically naked, but this boy was pretty. The way his straight brown hair flopped onto his forehead, the dimples when he smiled, his slightly flushed cheeks and prominent collar bones. His skin was pale, it suited the colour of his eyes and hair appropriately. Dan wasn't thin, he was curvy. Phil didn't know Dan, but he thought he was beautiful, and that was the first time he'd looked at a boy in that way.
For a second Phil thought he saw Dan looking at him too, but his cheeks flushed and he quickly looked away.
"Are you ready?" Dan questioned, and Phil took a deep breath in.
"I think so" Phil replied, hoping Dan couldn't sense his nerves like Phil could sense Dan's confidence.
Dan walked through the main door carrying his towel, and placed it on one of the sun loungers next to the pool. Phil placed his on the one next to the younger boy's. Luckily the swimming pool was empty. It was a hot day and the pool was inside so Phil just assumed that people were enjoying the sun instead.
"Right so have you swam at all or is this your first time?" Dan asked.
"No I've done some b-before but that was when I was a lot younger, so I don't remember anything" Phil replied, feeling silly, "I feel so stupid".
"There's no need to!" Dan was supportive, Phil liked that in the brown haired boy. "So we're both going to have to go into the really deep end because we're rather tall people" Dan chuckled, and so did Phil.
They both made their way into the pool, Phil made sure to keep a distance between him and Dan, as he felt awkward and there was no doubt Dan felt it too.
"Basically you need to tread water" Dan started, demonstrating with his hands, "so gently kick your legs and make circles with your hands". Phil tried to copy, but the older man was no match for Dan's water skills. He ended up flailing his arms and legs around, trying to regain his composure. Dan laughed, which was contagious and caused Phil to laugh too. Eventually Phil controlled his lanky arms and legs, and started to actually do quite well.
"That's it! You're getting the hang of it now!"
Dan showed Phil a few different 'strokes' to do in the water, and did a few laps of the pool to demonstrate. Phil enjoyed watching him, although Dan didn't seem that athletic, he was good at swimming. Phil started off by doing front crawl, and he picked it up quite quickly, moving across the pool fast, mainly because of his height. Dan continued to cheer him on, encouraging him and supporting him which Phil found gave him confidence.
It was the breaststroke which caused the problem.
Phil did one lap of the pool in breaststroke perfectly and swiftly, with a clapping Dan still encouraging him. However on the way back things started to go wrong. As Phil momentarily went under the water during the stroke, he accidentally breathed in, causing him to come up for air and cough violently. Dan swam over and his presence appeared by Phil's side, gently rubbing his back. Although Phil was safe, he couldn't find the ability to breath. He kept sucking in air through his mouth, whilst still trying to cough to get rid of the water he inhaled. Dan panicked, and didn't know what to do apart from continuing to rub Phil's back and keep him calm.
Phil felt his vision blur, and that's when he knew it was coming, a panic attack.
The noises of Dan's comforting words blurred into one, Phil couldn't understand what was being said and he couldn't speak, he just kept breathing quickly whilst trying to regain his footing on the swimming pool floor. He felt one of Dan's hands firmly hold his arm, and the other around his back. He could feel another person's presence at his side, trying to hold his other arm, but the touch felt foreign to him and he didn't like it, so he struggled more to get rid of the grip just above his right elbow.
"It's okay Matt, I've got him" Phil could hear a voice say, "I've got you Phil, you're safe".
Phil's throat felt tight, he wanted to scream but he couldn't, desperate to try and stop the feeling of being trapped. As soon as he felt dry land he realised he was out of the pool and he dropped to the floor, the landing not being too painful as Dan was holding him. He leant forward and coughed up the last bit of water in his system, spluttering everywhere. Dan still had a hand on his back, rubbing light circles along his spine. When his breathing started going back to normal his vision became clearer. He looked up and saw Dan sat awkwardly in front of him, with his long legs crossed. He had a look of concern on his face, and Phil felt guilty.
"I'm so sorr-" Phil began, but Dan cut him off.
"Don't you dare say you're sorry, it was my suggestion to do this in the first place" Dan looked sympathetic, but Phil didn't want sympathy.
"I uh- okay" Phil stammered.
"Shall we go and chill in my cabin?".
***
"So you've been having panic attacks since you were 12?"
"Well, y-yes kind of, I used to be on medication for it but the side effects weren't pleasant" Phil sighed, "I used to get depressed a lot on them".
Phil now wondered why he was telling Dan this. He'd met the boy yesterday, barely spoken to him, and he wasn't one for making friends easily anyway. Now he was telling him something only his parents and Pj knew.
"Oh fuck, that's terrible" Dan replied.
They were both sat on Dan's small sofa, at either end facing eachother with a mug of coffee in their hands. They got on well, and there wasn't many silences, and when there was, they were comfortable ones. Phil felt like he could talk to Dan, which he didn't feel with many people, well, he could barely talk to many people as it made him nervous, hence the reason he stutters so much, he finds trouble in trusting people. However they seemed to bounce off one another, and Phil liked that he grew move confident as they spoke more, starting to ask Dan the questions.
"What about you?"
"What about me?"
"Anything I should know about you? Not that I was planning on showing you my panic attacks" Phil half laughed.
"What would you like to know?"
YOU ARE READING
girlfriend // phan
Fanfiction"So... you have a girlfriend?" A story in which two camp leaders have each other questioning their sexuality, but there's only one small problem. A girlfriend.
