Fieldathan

chapter three

Time had crept up, the first day of 1998 had stumbled upon them and the pressures of their "New Year's Resolution" was in full swing. Jonathan had managed to sleep through that night but by the time Fieldy got back to the tour bus sleeping was out of the question.

He wished he would have said more to Jonathan, something more comforting and something a real friend would say. Something someone even more than a friend would say. But what would that be? He had no idea the kind of issues Jonathan was going through, he didn't know how to show compassion. He didn't really feel things, if he ever felt low even in the slightest, all he did was go out and party and everything would be okay again. Jonathan was so much more complicated, but in a good way that didn't bother Fieldy like he did the rest of them.

Fieldy felt so heartless. Jonathan, whom he couldn't figure out if he truly loved or not, was left by himself clearly shaken up to the point of an emotional break down, and Fieldy went out partying with girls and booze and didn't get back to the bus until six in the morning. He was glad, though, to see Jonathan sound asleep in his bunk next to Nathan when he did return. Being left alone didn't kill him. He needed to be alone with him son, Fieldy told himself to justify his absence, and he gave him privacy. Fieldy needed to go back out, anyways. All those thoughts of "Could I be gay?" scared him too much and he needed reassurance. Which he got. A lot of it, too.

His head pounded that next morning but he wasn't fully hungover, he slept for maybe an hour and still had a slight underlining buzz. He still felt like hell, he regretted everything from the night before, though the only thing he vividly remembered was the situation that occurred regarding Jonathan. He hated himself for not being able to remember most nights. That didn't mean he'd go sober, he didn't like himself but he sure as hell loved pot and pills. It's not like he used them like Jonathan, he told himself. He has a problem and he's going to die. But Fieldy knew he'd live forever, he was untouchable.

Jonathan awoke that next morning with a sense of tranquility. His last dream didn't cause him terrors, and lying next to him was his pride and joy, his life. For that brief moment of stumbling between being awake and unconsciousness, he felt his life was in perfect alignment. Once he fully was aware of his surroundings, of course, that sensation erased itself from his inner void. He looked at Nathan, sound asleep with a thump in his mouth, and laughed to himself. He was so perfect. He never wanted his son to leave, but he knew he'd only see him for a short time, and tried to capture every detail about his son. He never knew when or if he'd see him again after that day. The bittersweet moment was soon interrupted by a loud knock coming from the opposite side of the door.

"Jon! It's me." Renee's voice annoyingly called to him. Wow, just in time, Jonathan thought to himself. Jonathan glanced at his son one more time with longing eyes. "Hurry up, I got to go." She let her tendency to loath him string out in her voice. They had a child together and soon enough he was swept up in road life and left her by herself to raise a child. It had become like he'd died already and she was a single mother. She hated the behind closed doors whispers about her from the other moms. She wasn't a bad mother, even if her husband became somewhat in sense a bad father.

"Then come get him." Jonathan told her, getting up out of bed to open the door. "He's asleep." He pointed to his sleeping son behind him.

"Bye, Jonathan." Renee told him in a firm voice before giving him a quick kiss. She kept her face in front of his for a brief moment after, locking eyes for the first time in months. She turned her head away and with a sigh she grabbed Nathan in one swoop without waking him up. Within the minute they were gone. Jonathan was left alone, again, in his bunk. He heard her say quick goodbyes to hung over band mates who tried to get themselves together throughout the bus.