Fieldathan

chapter five

"Fieldy, what I said last night—"

"I know." Fieldy interrupted Jonathan, who had been sitting silently across the table from him for the past ten minutes that next morning. They both sat to themselves, eating cereal and recovering from the night before to the best of their abilities. Head and Munky had gone already to the recording studio, by that time it was two in the afternoon.

"I really didn't mean—"

"Jonathan, I know." Fieldy reassured him, giving him a stern, affirmative look before returning to their so-called "breakfast."

This silenced Jonathan, he knew Fieldy understood him. He had to tell himself that, because he couldn't remember anything else he said. He knew he told Fieldy to hurt him but he didn't remember hurting himself. He woke up with tiny shards of glass wedged in his palms, which he painfully so pulled out an hour before the present confrontation. His head was foggy and scattered and he didn't know what to do with himself.

"You should go to the studio." Fieldy told him. "Get some things out."

Jonathan didn't respond, but did as instructed. He soon found himself in the recording studio where Head and Munky were working.

"KornTV's starting today." Munky told Jonathan when he sat down, getting comfortable. Steve Thompson was there, to Jonathan's surprise, their new producer. Ross Robinson had been a great producer, sure, but collectively as a band they decided against him coming back. Jon had requested him as a vocal coach, though, despite how much hell he puts him through. Seemed Ross was always out to get him, no matter where Jon was Ross jumped right behind him, ready for an attack. Jonathan could recall countless times in the studio where Ross picked at his head so much he was in tears. But those songs always seemed to be hits.

"A camera man's supposed to be here soon, that alright, Jon?" Steve Thompson asked.

"Out of all days, they start filming today." Jonathan mumbled to himself.

"I didn't plan it, trust me."

"Okay I guess, get more shots of Munky and Head though." He spoke up, covering his face with his hands, resting his elbows on his knees. He could feel the dry blood from his hands due to the glass, he pleaded in his mind for them not to ask about it.

"Hey, Jon, you okay?" Head asked him, walking out from the recording booth. He had just done guitar for "Freak on a Leash," a new song every member of the band knew would be a fan favorite. "I heard glass shattering last night."

"Just dropped a glass of water, my bad to worry you." Jonathan lied, giving him his happiest glance he could come up with. Head accepted it, shrugging it off and continuing to talk to Steven about other songs on the album.

"This is so much better than Life is Peachy." Munky beamed, playing random notes on his guitar. "We're going to be huge."

"Don't count your chickens before they've hatched." Steven warned him. "You could blow it with an attitude like that, y'know."

"Don't tell me that." Munky laughed to himself. "You've got to have hope man." Munky glanced over at Jonathan, who turned away quickly.

Within the hour, all guitar from "Freak on a Leash was completed, all they needed was the vocals for the song to be complete. The day before Fieldy and David had laid the bass and drums down.

"You feeling like doing vocals today, Jon?" Steven asked him, by then the world outside was dark and Jonathan could barely stay awake. He'd sat listening to the other men talk to each other, drinking beer and having girls coming and going in the studio throughout the day. Word traveled fast where KoRn was, these girls thought they'd be stars if they entertained them in the studio. What idiots, Jonathan thought. Who could be so dim minded? But he wasn't an innocent man when it came to loyalty for Renee.

"You know the deal for me to start singing." Jonathan simply replied, as if it would be so easy. "8 ball or nothing."

"Guess it's nothing then."

"You think you're a comedian, huh?" Jonathan shot back at him, feeling the same anger the portrayed last night.

"Get out of here, I can't take you seriously." Steven laughed, waving Jonathan off. This made Jonathan feel threatened, but since his mind was clear now he thought it was best to leave. And that's what he did.

"Why am I doing this? I'm not usually an angry person, what's wrong with me?" He thought the whole way home, nearly in tears from a mixture of his now self hatred and the pain from his cut up hands that gripped the wheel. He's making everyone hate him, too, even Fieldy.

He messed that up, too, his relationship with Fieldy. For God's sake, he could have almost kissed him, and he turned away crying like a baby! Who does that? He was so close to having happiness, and he put up a wall in front of him, as he always did. By the time he got through the front door, if anyone was to speak to him he'd just start crying. He flew himself back on the couch, turning on any mind numbing tv show he could find.

Not even thirty minutes later, he could hear the front door opening. That was strange, Jonathan thought, since Munky and Head would be in the studio for at least another hour and he thought Fieldy and David where already in the house. But he presumed wrong.

Fieldy came laughing and drunk with a girl, Jonathan figured, he met at a bar. Jonathan's heart sank, Fieldy didn't even notice him there, the two of them walking past Jonathan in the living room into another room within the house.

Why am I so jealous? I rejected Fieldy, he has every right to see girls. Jonathan thought to himself, but he still could feel overwhelming hurt. He still felt betrayed by him, he couldn't help it. Fieldy and him were supposed to be together. Jonathan couldn't help but cry now, as he seemed to do all the time now.

He drank a beer. Didn't help.

Drank two, nothing.

Three, six, nine. The pain still overwhelmed him. He loved Fieldy, he knew it now. Jealously ripped through him, as well as a mixture of self loathing and hurt. He forced himself to drink until he passed out, trying to numb the pain that he felt would never escape him.