Fieldathan

chapter four

"We got to take our time on this record." Head announced to the rest of the band members. They sat around a campfire enjoying a late night in May, the week they started their third studio album session and months after Jonathan's confrontation to Fieldy that left his heart cold.

Fieldy and Jonathan did their best to shy away from what took place, putting on their best "just friends" mask in their daily lives. They placed bandaids over their broken hearts and went back to being consumed in the rock star lifestyle they created. And with all said and done, five months had passed.

"We totally rushed Life is Peachy man," Head continued, picking up his fifth beer of that night. "This better be good."

"It will be, you guy's seen Jon's lyrics? They're sick." Fieldy responded, careful not to make eye contact with Jonathan. Jon was whacked out on god knows what and as always, he didn't want to talk to him. Not that Jonathan was listening, he sat looking straight into the fire, watching his mind turn the flames from red, to purple, to green.

Jonathan stood up and left, he didn't say where he was going or if he was coming back, his mind was numbed and had no way of properly talking to his band members. He had lyrics to write down and didn't want to waste time around a campfire talking about what "they're going to do." Jonathan wasn't all talk, he told himself. When Jonathan finally left, the rest of KoRn could talk about the issues regarding their lead singer.

"You know, ignoring the problem isn't going to help him." David Silveria finally spoke up. "There's an obvious problem going on with him."

"I know man, I know." Munky replied. "But what are we going to do? What power do we have?"

"We don't have any." Fieldy sighed. "We do the same shit, you know? How is he going to change if we don't."

"I'm sick of talking about this," Head stepped in. "Jonathan is completely fine, guys. We're all fine. We're supposed to have fun on this record, worrying about Jon's just going to slow us down."

"But he might fuck things up for us." David replied back. "We're so close with getting this Ice Cube track, I just don't want him getting all coked out of his mind and making him mad."

"He can't even remember what songs he sings, he does multiple takes in a row." Munky said. "Cube's so precise, we'll never get the track done."

"I have faith in him," Fieldy said, ending the argument that was beginning to bubble up between them. He was so sick of fighting over it, whether or not they needed to talk to Jonathan. For the past couple months we wasn't sure what side he was on.

Ever since that night Jon began to act different. He didn't seem so gloomy and depressed anymore, he went out and partied with the rest of the guys, didn't cause fights, nothing. He ceased to have any emotion and became a carbon copy of everyone else. He lost his uniqueness to him and got lost deeper in drugs. He turned himself into the life of the party.

Not to lie, Fieldy liked the new Jonathan. He felt less the need to worry and protect him from himself, less need to take care of him. They could party together, do anything together. That New Years Eve was behind them and they both buried those feelings for the time being. It was 1998, 1997 was in the past and life must go on.

Fieldy didn't have a clue what was actually happening to Jonathan in those five months of time. Jonathan was quick to realize the lowest depths of despair come with addiction, and without his family. But he was sick of everyone worrying about him, and his complaints of the same thing over and over without being able to fix it. So, he remained silent. He did what everyone else did, party and don't care about anything else. Don't let your emotions show, they all think you're weak.

"You're pathetic." The words started spilling out when he found himself alone, or at least he thought they were. He couldn't really tell what he was seeing or hearing was fantasy or fact, but he continued to hear his own voice speak aloud. "You're too nice, you let people walk all over you, you're such an idiot! Everything that's going good in life you just have to fuck up, don't you? Chipped tooth piece of shit. FUCK!" He burst out into sudden anger, lifting the nearest vase to him and propelling it through the air towards the wall like a rag doll. It slammed into a million pieces, scattering across the floor like snow.

Jonathan dropped to his knees in front of the mess, his anger turning into fear and fear turning into agony he's felt for his whole life. The time Jonathan remembers being happiest was when he was born, since then it seemed his life was a constant downward spiral. People always told him it would get better but his angry teenage self became a drug addicted adult with no hope for change. All he could feel was hurt. He stared at the sharp glass pieces in front of him, watching them turn from blurry to clear off and on until he could hear Fieldy enter the room behind him. 

"Jon! Jonathan what's wrong?" Fieldy stammered, trying to think quickly what to do in this situation he was forced in. The band members had heard glass shattering but were too afraid to enter, and as always Fieldy had to step in for them. "What are you doing on the floor?"

"Go, get away." Jonathan replied in a monotone, refusing to turn away from the wall and face Fieldy, who stood near the door in the opposite end of the room.

"I just want to help, Jon."

"You want to help me!?" Jonathan nearly screamed back, jumping to his feet and spinning around to see him.

"Yes Jon, I do." Fieldy tried to keep his tone calming but his heart rate intensified and he become more and more frightened of his best friend. "We all want to help you." Jonathan walked closer and closer to him now, wide eyed and crazy, his face turning red.

"THEN KILL ME!" He shouted at Fieldy, close enough to take hold a grip on Fieldy's jersey.

"Jon, it's just the drugs, you need to sleep." Fieldy assured him, grabbing Jonathan's hand to pull him off him.

"Don't touch me!" Jonathan roared even louder, again spinning around towards the wall and the glass, walking towards it. "Kill me." He whimpered once more.

"Relax Jonathan, I'm not going to kill you, your head's not screwed in correctly right now, let's get you to bed before you do anything of harm."

"You think I have the guts to kill myself?" Jonathan scoffed, leaning up against the wall with the glass, sliding down to the floor and ignoring the shreds now being poked into his jeans and hands.

"I'd hope not, Jon."

"I want to."

"Don't say that Jonathan."

"What am I supposed to say, I'm happy! There!"

"You seemed like you were."

"Well I wasn't."

"I had no idea, Jon."

Jonathan started seeing two Fieldy's instead of one, something he found quite hilarious. He burst out laughing in the middle of the conversation, fixating his eyes on Fieldy.

"That's enough, that's enough Jon." Fieldy said, soon grabbing Jonathan and leading him to bed for the night.

When Jonathan was asleep and Fieldy was finally left alone to process what Jonathan just said to him, he couldn't help but sob to himself. How could he live with his best friend dead, and it being his fault for not stopping him?