The Baldilox Chronicles

Karma During Christmas

                  Alright lets talk about coincidence turning into karma. So it is indeed time to spend with the people that you love the most. It is a time where people forgive and get along for the time being. I am home with my sick sister and mom with an occasional quick visit from my step father. Anyway just like any random night I went downstairs to smoke and come back up. It doesnt even take me 15 minutes and I dont have a set time I go. So Im done smoking and I go to get the elevator and I noticed that it stopped and it on the way down. SO guess who walks out of the elevator no other then my husband, her and it. I just walked into the elevator as soon as they came out and came upstairs He was wearing his going out sneakers and he was with her and didnt even give a crap that he is in my building on Christmas with her. Im the wife and its just sooo ridiculous how I really dont want to have a reaction about the situation but i cant keep saying that it doesnt bother me. I would understand if he was with someone we both didnt know but life doesnt work like that does it. No matter what time I leave or what time I come back I always see them, I thought after time the reaction would be lessened or if i actually kept trying to tell myself that it really didnt happen then it wont heal. he has made it clear that no matter if he is married to me he is going to be with her. the girl that lives on the floor above me. That same girl that he swore he didnt talk to. I wish there was a way to get through this with out reliving the good times along with the bad but i think whats worse then those times are the times in between that you get with someone that you spend a lot of time with. He was my best friend and over time that person became who he is today and it will never be with me. my mind understands that and has mathematically computed every possible way my life could go and none of them involve him. I hope that she treats him good. I hoped that he learned a few things from me on what a woman would want or how to make her smile. I still want him to be happy i just want to let go but i keep thinking im alright. I keep getting to that point where I think when I see him it wont feel like I got shot in my stomach. And when that time comes and it will come because it always does at the most random moment i feel like im crumbling all over again. I know they made fun of me I know that he either agreed with or talked about me in a demeaning way but honestly i was good to him. I went through some of my roughest years to date while we were together. Things that I pretty much went through alone. I want to let go and I dont know why I cant. The thing that I learned about love is that its like something that gets deep into your soul. It wakes you up in the middle of the night and make you remember things things that your brain has purposely blocked out to prevent pain but nooo this love it gives it to you raw. Really makes you see it from all perspectives. I have fallen apart so many times but I have put myself together just as many times. So many nights of staring at the ceiling just remembering our mornings with coffee. You walking around in your big ass boxers cranky as hell because we just went to sleep like 3 hours before waking up. So many things to separate from you. Times I could remember and reminisce somehow always bring me back to you. I've done my dirt to be honest i was straight disrespectful but i never threw it in your face and kept rubbing and rubbing . There has to be a right answer to this. Let it go and keep it moving , close this chapter but how? The brain of my heart is explaining this it but it seems like there is a miscommunication or a language barrier.  These days I really understand the hike in suicides. All I have seen is people being selfish with people they already know and dont like 364 days of the year. I thought the reason for holidays is to give back to the people that dont have much to look forward to, to appreciate the reasons to be thankful not to just get as many expensive gifts you can to the same person. I just dont get it really i guess thats why Im always alone and dont get any gifts by anyone. Its sad really the life i live right now. I thought i had true friends that i USE to tell everything to and where are they now? Now that I really need them. NOWHERE thats where. Im so tired of being over looked ignored and unloved that its making me bitter. No matter how many positive thoughts i think or what I say to myself the reality is dead smack in front of me. No one thinks about me, no one cares that im always alone. No one cares if i take my life or if i have eaten or if im happy. Even the worse of the worse has a freaking girlfriend that loves him and puts up with his shit. she has her father friend mother and brother. and just who do i have a mother that just leaves me alone in my darkest moments because she doesnt know what to do. thats it thats all i have and i have kept quiet because i thought it was me all this time but im starting to realize people have to be held accountable for their dumb actions. A friendship is a two way street. I dont want to be bitter I dont want to be the crazy person that no one wants to be around or forgets. As i slam on these keyboards its starting to feel like this is the legacy that im going to leave. The girl everyone forgot but was cool. The girl who always made other people feel special but no one bother to learn anything about her. the person that ended her life because no one cared enough to just for a moment give a shit.