× Master of My Soul × [ Dynasty Warriors ] [ Slowly Updating ]

× 03 - Omen of Fear ×

On the way home I had remained silent, and though the trip was as quiet as I was, I could tell that my uncle and cousins were worried. There was no one to blame, and nothing they could do but to stand aside and let me sort through my thoughts. I sat in my rather elaborate carriage and stared at my hands, which were shaking uncontrollably. My fingers twitched on their own, as if there were invisible strings pulling them. I watched in fascination.

After returning to the Cao estate, I excused myself and quietly retreated to my room to prepare and pack some items for the voyage to Wan Castle, despite my uncle's suggestions of having lunch first. On my way to my room I passed by some servants and handmaidens, but they made way quickly with nervous looks. I wondered what my expression looked like.

I closed the doors of the bedroom quietly and although the golden rays of the sun fell on the paper panes of the windows, I felt as if I was surrounded by darkness. My fingers were still twitching, and I felt as if there was something that did not belong here.

Trying to drive the creeping memories of twelve years ago, I ground my teeth and slowly made my way to my wardrobe to pick out outfits in an attempt to distract myself. My choices consisted of long purple dresses for the formal banquet, which Cao Cao mentioned on our way back, and shorter items if I was to ever participate in a battle while there. I didn't expect us to stay at Wan Castle for long so only decided on a few sets of clothing. My fingers danced on the silky fabrics as I felt a chill run down my spine.

Xue...

I spun swiftly on my heel, my gaze shifting wildly as I thought I heard someone whisper my name. I was suddenly reminded of my father's voice, even though he's been dead for over ten years and I could barely remember. Seeing no one else inside my room, I stood still for a brief moment before hearing a similar sound and turned sharply towards the source. It was only the wind sweeping leaves outside. I let out a sigh of relief and closed my eyes as I tried to calm myself.

Memories of that day flooded into my mind, and I had no choice but to accept them. My hands were now tensed up like claws. It was almost painful to stress them so, and my wrists were beginning to feel stiff as the chill spread, causing a tingling feeling on my neck.

I remember now.

My sixth birthday, it was, and everybody in the Murong estate in Runan was making preparations for it. The image of dozens of servants running along the narrow corridors of my home flipped through my mind like a vivid dream, bringing a strange, tightening feeling in my chest as I sighed.

My father was a merchant from the Tribes beyond the borders of the Han Empire, bearing his last name of Murong proudly when he left the comfort that his clan enjoyed to join the culture of the Han. My mother, though I do not hold her in any of my memories, was one of Cao Cao's sisters. She passed away due to disease when I was only two months of age, or so I have been told. Father never remarried, so I grew up as the only child in the large household. He always tried to give me all the attention I needed, and though spoiled as I remember to be, there was always a sort of loneliness that dwelled in my chest whenever I strolled inside the estate. There were no other children to play with, no siblings to fight with, and all of the servants were too afraid of potentially upsetting me to get close.

I hated that house. It was so large and empty, nothing but a cage for young hearts to die in. I recall my father saying similar words, but it was too far gone for me to remember clearly. Was it him who spoke it, or was it someone else? My memory does not tell. I do remember the tall walls of the rooms and the even larger shadows they cast, under which I had lived until my sixth birthday. 

Now that I thought about it, perhaps I would not be here if it was not for that peculiar loneliness which I never understood. 

On that birthday, my father had given me a special permission to go outside and play, though under the watch of several guards of course. I could still make out a blurry image of the main hall of the estate when he had specifically ordered the men to not allow me out of their sight. An impossible task, as I was perhaps too curious about the woods around me to pay attention to their worried calls when I strayed.

How long does it take a six-year old to get lost in a forest? Not long, as I remembered.

It was a little past noon and even I was growing worried. Then, a man in a yellow robe approached me. I could never forget him, never let go of the matching scarf he wore around his head, never forget that gentle smile when he took me by surprise by tapping my shoulder gently. He walked me home soon after our meeting, I recalled, and it was without the surveillance of the men.

There was nothing more trustworthy than a light chuckle and a charming grin. Oh, soft smiles and gestures of deceit, you have done me so much wrong, and yet taught me so well to become like you. I felt the corners of my lips pull into a wild grin, despite knowing what was to come in the rest of my memories. No story was told unfinished in my mind.

When we reached my home, the man insisted that he should speak to my father, and I foolishly allowed him into the estate before running off to play. I had no idea of what he was about to do to my family, and when I heard the first shriek of pain I was shocked. What I allowed into my home was not a man with peaceful intent, but a massacre. Before my eyes I saw my kin slaughtered like helpless lambs, their cries of mercy only the prelude to their inevitable deaths. I was shoved and fell, and that was all I could remember from that day.

I shut my eyes tightly and allowed my nails to dig into my skin, as if to feel the reality of the pains of my family. It stung so much, and I hated it.

To this day I still don't know how I survived, but I recalled that when I woke up, the sky was already dark. I could smell the bitter scent of blood as if it was right before me, then would find myself covered in it while bodies lay lifeless around me, scattered throughout the estate. My clothes suddenly felt heavy on my body, and I wondered if this was real. By the time my uncle arrived as he had promised, I had been sitting there for hours, staring at nothingness. My legs felt numb as I stumbled against my dresser, as if feeling what I did that day for sitting for so long. I was taken to the Cao estate in Peiguo immediately, and slowly recovered from my trauma there.

I never celebrated another birthday.

The strange sensations coursing through me was soon followed by hatred boiling as I was reminded of my vow so long ago. That event took place many years before the Yellow Turban Rebellion, but when it did I had immediately recognized their trademark symbols. I swore vengeance against every single soldier from the Yellow Turbans, and so far none who have crossed my path have lived to see another day. It has been so long however since the Rebellion ended, and I have not seen another Yellow Turban in years.

I slowly gathered my form and looked down at my hands. Being reminded of being suddenly approached by my enemy, this was why I reacted so spontaneously from Guo Jia's touch, and I didn't know how I should feel about being reminded of that event from twelve years ago. I still hated to think about the deaths I witnessed that day, the fear was so hard to bear, but perhaps this was the reason why I never found fighting and killing to be frightening. Nothing that I see now could compare to what I saw on that day. On the other hand, I felt that I was finally beginning to feel ready to face the fear, and hoped that one day I could get over it.

Once I calmed down again, I shakily finished with the preparations of my clothing, and then proceeded to exit my room as I felt my stomach rumble. I have yet to eat lunch. The dining room was empty when I arrived, though I expected it to be since everyone else probably ate without me.

I scavenged some fruits instead of a proper meal, then returned to my room to spend the rest of the day there. I also decided to bathe and sleep early since we would be leaving at dawn of the next day. I only hoped that my rest would not be plagued by nightmares.