ATTENTION: KAY SO I CHANGED MY MIND! I WILL BE DOING CHAPTERS ON WEEKENDS THEY JUST MIGHT NOT BE AS LONG AND I MIGHT NOT DO IT EVERY WEEKEND!
Dear Whoever Will Listen,
I'd just like to say;
Jacqueline Kimberly Boudreau.
I am begging you not to read this chapter.
It's just one chapter.
How much could I express in one chapter?
Please.
Don't read this.
I'm not joking.
If you read this I will freaking cry.
I hope you trust me enough to know that this isn't serious or anything.
There isn't anything I'm trying to hide.
I just really don't want to have this conversation with you...
Again.
So Jackie.
Please don't read past this point.
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7:20 pm.
She doesn't love me.
She can't.
And I'm obsessed.
And I wish I wasn't.
Cause this is how I got with the other her.
The one that left me.
I'm not obsessed in a stalker way cause that's creepy.
I'm obsessed in a needy way.
I always have to text her.
I always have to FaceTime her.
I can't not be talking to her.
And I feel like such a burden.
And all for what?
So she can leave me.
So I can kiss her and she can realise the truth.
That she finds me disgusting.
I'm trying so hard for her.
Trying to live.
I even went to guidance the night it happened.
My mom takes my iPod away every night before I go to bed which is totally fine.
But I was texting her and my mom yelled at me because I didn't give her the iPod right at 10:00 pm.
It was 10:08 pm.
And she started yelling at me.
And swearing at me.
And I know she cares about me.
She's just mean.
A lot.
And I can't take it.
Because her calling me a "fucking nuisance" makes me upset.
Because I already feel like that.
And when I get told it, it makes it so much worse.
But the worst part is I provoke her.
It's not her fault.
It's mine.
It's always mine.
And I'm not just saying that.
I'm that asshole in literally every situation.
There's a part of me that thinks;
"She does love you.
Stop being an idiot.
Stop trying to push her away.
You're being an asshole."
But then there's another part of me who thinks;
"No she doesn't.
Why can't you just see that.
She's trying to break up with you.
But she doesn't want to hurt your feelings cause she's literally too perfect to be mean.
So just make it easy for you.
Stop being a fucking asshole.
Tell her that you know she hates you."
And obviously that part of me is stronger.
The only person who ever got me to believe that he loves me was him.
But now I think that he never did.
Because he was so okay with me breaking up with him for her.
But then again he's extremely nice and caring.
Maybe he was okay with it cause he knew I'd be happy.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I never knew.
Why I was born.
Maybe my purpose in life was to fuck up everything.
I'm like King Midas.
Except I should be called,
"Queen Fuck-up".
Cause everything I touch becomes fucked up.
And ruined.
I know she doesn't love me.
She doesn't ever want to talk to me.
Maybe she hates me so much that she's waiting for us to meet so she can say it in person.
She's too nice for that.
Maybe she wants to live with this forever.
Because she's too scared to hurt my feelings.
JUST DO IT!
I know you don't love me!
I'm saying this as if I'm talking to you because I know you're reading this even though I told you not to.
But seriously.
Things would be so much easier for me.
You wouldn't have to talk to me anymore.
It could be as if I was never there.
You could forget me.
I could be over.
And happy.
Please.
Just tell me you don't love me.
I know you don't.
But I need to hear it.
It's like phan.
I know it's real but I still need to hear it from them.
Please.
If you just tell me then you won't have to kiss me.
You won't even have to come over on Wednesday.
8:27 pm.
Forest by TØP.
Why can't you just admit it?
I really don't get it.
You're afraid of hurting me.
But this is gonna hurt so much more if you keep this going.
I wish I was Dan and you were Phil.
But for real.
Would you be my Phil (and mean it) if I was pretty?
Why does it have to be so difficult?
Why did I have to fall for someone as perfect as you?
It makes things so hard.
I'm just stupid.
So stupid.
Stupid for the fact that I believed I had a chance with you.
Stupid for the fact that I actually thought you loved me at one point.
I wish you could fix me.
You're unfixable you piece of shit.
I know.
But I just thought that if she loved me enough maybe...
Maybe what?
Maybe she'd magically fix you?!
That's impossible!
No one could ever love you!
You're not worth being fucking loved so get over yourself and just end everything!
I thought these thoughts weren't as loud anymore.
Guess I was wrong.
Ever since I told guidance that I was thinking about suicide that night I had stopped listening to those thoughts as much.
But now they're louder than before.
Jackie.
I'm still trying.
For you.
But I don't know if I can make it this time.
Sincerely,
The waste of oxygen,
Cassie
