Dear Whoever Will Listen,
FUCK FUCK FUCK!
Why did everything have to be so god damned confusing?!
I can't even talk to her!
I told her I wouldn't hate her if she broke up with me.
That's a fact.
But I would hate myself.
And I'd start to cut again.
But I realise me saying that makes her wish I hated her.
I can't control it.
But I know if she ever did anything like that because of me, or even not because of me, I would wish she just told me she hated me.
You're fucking worthless!
Go fucking cut yourself!
She wouldn't care you worthless fuck.
It's okay. It's all okay.
I hope she doesn't see this.
I'm writing this because I need to speak my world in peace.
I wish I could do it anonymously.
I kind of am.
Nobody knows who she is.
Except for her.
I love her so much.
Why the fuck did she have to make me read that stupid phanfic?!
She made me think I had a chance.
You're a fucking piece of shit who never had a chance with anyone. Not even him. Not even the other him.
STOP IT!
What?
Can't handle the truth?
It's okay.
You'll believe me when I'm not the one saying it.
Wait till she says it.
It'll only hurt 10 god damn times more.
Just you wait.
FUCK OFF! She'd never say that to me.
Whatever helps you sleep at night.
Wait.
We know what does.
I know that your contemplating it.
Just do it.
You're worthless anyways.
That time she told you that she knew you never liked her in the first place?
That was just her trying to get rid of you.
Okay but even if I wanted to cut. I can't. My aunt is here. I only have short sleeved shirts. If anyone catches it I'll be put back in the hospital.
You have a pencil sharpener in your bag. You can cut on your thighs again.
What do you want?
I want you to suffer.
I want you to hate yourself so much that you try and kill yourself at any chance you get.
Why?
You deserve it.
You're a worthless piece of shit.
I've already been in that place before.
My friends convinced me not too.
They'll just do it again.
It's kind of hard to be convinced to stay when all your friends are gone. When they've all left you because they realised how shitty you really are.
You only have her.
Are you really convinced she'll be enough.
She doesn't even love you.
Okay then I die.
So what?
No one gets hurt.
I get to leave you.
Nobody misses me.
What do you get out of it?
To see the miserable piece of shit before me... disappear.
I look in the mirror. I look disgusting. The bags under my eyes from my countless sleepless nights only make me look worse. I turn sideways so that I can see my stomach. I'm fat. I've taken breakfast and lunch off my plate. I only eat dinner and it's normally a small portion. I way 145 fucking pounds. And I'm not even 5'.
"You're not fat, Cassie," I'm constantly told. How am I not fat? It's funny. It's her who tells me this. And she's so skinny and just sooo perfect. I envy her. So much. But in the best possible way. She says I'm pretty. I'm the ugliest person I know. She has these really gorgeous barely visible freckles right under her eyes spread out beside her nose. And everything about her is really petite and lovely. When her eyes light up she smiles and shows one dimple on her left cheek.
The day I planned on telling her I had asked her what I could do to make her stop talking to me completely. She said the only thing I could probably do to make her stop talking to me was to kill someone she loved. That was good news. It meant I was going to tell her. I was still so nervous. I started to chicken out. But it was too late cause I had already told her that I needed to tell her something.
She figured out that I fancied her.
She wasn't mad. But I had still been confused at the time on wether or not it was just friendly feelings or more than that. I think I realise now that I was never confused. I was just waiting for her to tell me she loved me back. And then I said, "But what if I do something stupid and I kiss you or something?!" And she said, "Well then I'll either like it and we can be more than friends or I won't like it and we'll stay friends."
That right there. That brought me too much hope. We spent the next few days texting back and forth constantly. Face timing when we could cause I loved seeing her beautiful face. I started getting braver and braver and finally I decided "what did I have to lose"? Little did I know that what I had to lose was my only friend.
We continued texting. And every now and then I'd ask her. I'd send a quick short text. A quick "be mine?" And I'd wait for her to read it. And I'd get so nervous when I saw that she was typing. And it'd always be the same answer, "I don't know yet, Cassie."
And one day she blew my mind. She said yes. I freaked out. I actually couldn't breathe. And then later that night (or actually early in the morning I guess) when we finished texting... I looked back at all of our texts. I reread all of it. I felt disgusting. I forced her to say yes. She probably just said yes because she wanted me to stop asking.
So day after day of us still constantly texting and face timing I got more and more upset with myself. Until one day. Today. I gave up. I started pushing her away. I could've just waited until I saw her again. And I could've kissed her. And if she didn't like it then I would've known for sure. But no. I couldn't handle it anymore. And because I'm always thinking about myself I pushed her away. I shut her out.
We're broken up I think. I'm not sure though. I'm in Martha's Vineyard with no wifi. I won't have wifi until I get back home. The day after I get home is my first day of high school. And my mom isn't so lenient with my iPod usage during a school year. I probably won't be able to text at all.
I'm stuck with the last texts I'd sent her. And I have no idea what she texted back.
C-Me
C- I'm wearing my sweater. The sweater. I keep getting flashes of that day. I loved that day. I could tell that you at the very least would think of me as an acquaintance. Then I imagined it. Like actually imagined it. My fantasy is that I make a speech like this except way better. And you instantly fall for me. And your heart does that swooney thing but you know it's for real this time. And you tell me you love me. And then we start dating and we have constant memories being made left and right and the day always ends with a kiss. And I know deep down inside you really do love me. And we finish high school and things still haven't changed. And then we go to London and go to college for a year. And then we do YouTube for the rest of our lives and become Dan and Phil's of our own. Of course I know that's just a fantasy. But sometimes if you wish hard enough your fantasy can come true.
And that was my wish
For 11:11. That night. You made your wish I made mine. Except now I realise that it probably won't come true because I told you but... I just needed you to know.
C- I wish you would txt me back. I'm leaving. I want to know before I go. But we can't get everything we want I guess.
C- I'm keeping it at I'm kissing you. That's what I've decided. Unless you honestly don't want that. Cuz then if you like it then you like me more than a friend and if you don't then you don't.
I feel disgusted that I even said that I would kiss her. I don't want to go to this new fucking school. I don't want anything except to end my life.
PLEASE! WHATEVER THE FUCK IS HOLDING ME BACK! PLEASE JUST FUCKING DISAPPEAR ALREADY!
Sincerely,
The waste of oxygen,
Cassie
