Sometimes when I think, like right now, I get this feeling.
It's like this is the only time I can think really clear about everything.
Maybe it's because I am alone.
Because it's silent in my head, when it's silent around me.
Mostly it'll make me depressed sooner or later. I will regret eating too much over the day or eating something in specific.
Music helps.
It's like I can over tune my thoughts or at least distract them with it.
Sometimes not even that will help, sometimes it'll even make it worse.
It's never anything anyone has to do, it'll just happen.
It's like sad is the natural state I'll always return to.
Sometimes I like being sad.
I am very sad lately.
I am scared of leaving the house.
If I have to, I'll wear a hood and listen to music, avoiding any eye contact.
And school makes me insane.
It's just too many people.
So many judging eyes following me EVERYWHERE.
That even makes me sound weird to me.
But I can't help feeling like this. I try.
But everytime I have to stand up in the classroom, do something that might drag the slightest attention toward me it starts.
Anxiety will always get the best of me.
But lately I feel like it's even worse.
It's like I have to watch every step, because if I would trip, I'd have to commit suicide.
And if there will be one comment about me, the rest of the day is over and spent on over thinking it's meaning.
If it's something about my looks I won't eat or have the urge to scratch my face off.
My skin itches everywhere when I'm in class.
I feel so tense, I can't even focus.
I just HAVE to look away to check if anyone might be watching me, and if I see someone laughing, it has to be about me.
If they are just plainly looking my way I just want to disappear thinking of the worst possible thoughts they might've had.
Is it because I don't wear make-up?
Is my make-up too much?
Is it my hair?
Do I have something in my face?
Right..
my face.
