fear // phan

0.2

dan's pov

phil is something special, although he never really acknowledges me, which is good.
i worry about what others think about me and them staring at me, but i do the same to phil, but in a good way i guess?

im not even listening in class, bet ill fail, again.
the teacher is talking on about tsunamis and the outcome of them and the damage they leave.
kinda like people in a way also, come into your life, mess it up a bit and then leave you damaged and scarred in the open. how ironic.

i guess you can say i like phil? i have never spoke to him upfront, im too scared to do so.
maybe one day ill do it, maybe one day.

the bell starts going off and people are hurrying to get out the door, pushing and shoving each other as they do so. i prefer to leave when everyone else has gone, so nobody can see me so i don't need to start panicking and getting worked up. im not sure where all my fear even came from, it's just natural for me now, but should it really be that way? my family don't really seem to want to help me and i sure as hell don't have any friends to help and support me. going home is like a misery for me, i live in fear. my family are not always good people, especially my parents.

i push myself off my chair lightly and slightly jog (would i even call it that) over to the door to exit the room and the teacher then decides to call me over. great.
instead of heading out the exit, i scrape all the might i have left in me (which isn't much at all) and shuffle towards my teacher, miss westfield.

"dan, you do realise i can see you're not paying attention and taking very minimal notes, is something the matter?"
and this is where i start panicking and becoming very afraid.
"i-i-im sorry m-miss, i-i have t-to go n-now"
and then i lunged myself across the room and outside the classroom, running towards the exit, being careful to make sure nobody looks at me and try not to cause much of a scene whilst making my way outside as soon as possible.

why am i like this?
i really do fucking hate myself.
i continue on to my destination (stopping as i got out of breath, for which i walked the rest) until i reached my desired location.
the trees.
they soothed me like no one ever did, they were really there more for me than my entire family was, and that's saying something. deep down im hurting so bad, but who's here to help me? save me? nobody. im always alone. it's all my fault.
i wish that phil could help me somehow, but i don't even think he knows of my existence.

it's not good liking someone who doesn't even know you're even there.

*
this is so confusing to me
im not hurting but this fanfiction is
im so confused and tired
this is kinda like dan's book of thoughts, he
gets distracted a lot if ya could tell oml
over 500 words though which is nice!! maybe this will eventually get onto the story soon when i do publish it LOL