fear // phan

0.4

dans pov

im quite surprised that phil may know of my existence, or maybe he's one of those who just randomly adds people. he has a lot of friends on facebook. it has to be that. he doesn't know who i even am, probably.

i need to stop doubting myself at some point, it's getting much worse now. what's the point in even worrying about phil even noticing me when if even anyone glancing at me starts making me panic. like at the disco, but not that fun and terrifies me, sorry. although, discos terrify me so i'm not sure how that really works.

i'm not sure whether or not to accept phils friend request, i mean, he took the split second out of his day to send the request, but is it all worth it? i know i like him and all, but i'm still shit scared of any type of human interaction, so i'm not too sure anymore really. i'm still uncertain, but my luck gets onto my bad side as i accidentally press the accept button (does this even happen omg), well, fuck it. if he's trying to be my friend, then so be it, he can try, but he won't get anywhere. i'm a black rose in a field of blue roses. darker and more enchanting than the others, but still scared of others, how ironic.

i scramble to my feet with my dirty bowl, which i then proceed to take downstairs and put the unwashed dish in the sink. i don't know what to do currently, as i'm sure as heck not the most sociable person out there, so i decide to go back upstairs and hibernate in my bedsheets, continuing to watch gossip girl. i think serena should date nate, not dan, but that's none of my business.

after a few hours of consecutive binging of gossip girl, my phone decide to light up once again, indicating i have another notification and not a text message as nobody has my number because my number is unknown to others as i'm constantly running in the other direction if anyone tries to spark a conversation with me, or even look at me for that matter. i glance at my phone, seeing a notification from messenger which is strange as i don't converse with anyone. i fix my gaze onto the message, seeing who it was from and what the message read. it was from phil.

"philip lester: hi dan xD how ar...."

what the heck, nobody ever talks to me. i can't see the whole message as facebook only preview a small amount of the message, so i swipe my shaky fingers across the screen and proceed to unlock my phone and wait patiently for messenger to load. finally, after what seemed like forever, the full message was showing.

"hi dan xD how are you??? i know we havent ever talked to each other.. but i think i would like to change that. you seem like a cool boy, from what i can tell, i don't see you around much. i'd like to hang around with you sometime cutie(-;"

how do i even respond to that? he's right, i don't talk to anyone, let alone him. i currently hve no idea what to do in this position and he knows i have read the message and is most likely waiting calmly for an answer from me. but i don't do that kinda shit, that's not me. but i do need to break out of my shell and stop hiding in the shadows, maybe this is my way to happiness. maybe this is the way for the help i've been desperately needing and begging for god knows how many years.

i send back a quick and short response.

"hi phil. im okay thank you. and maybe. how are you?"

and i just left it like that, i proceeded to turn my phone off and gently place it in my drawers, making sure not to crack it as that will piss my family off more than they already are at this point. since it's getting late from the amount of hours i've pent watching un-important tv and the procrastination of messaging phil, i climb into bed and fall into a deep slumber, dreaming about nothing.

it's always nothing.

and it will always be that way too.

*

what am i even writing?? what even is this

this is just my bad 2am writing again getting to me

but oh well

maybe i'll publish it one day.

maybe.

over 700 words too which i think is great!!

edit:

who else loves gossip girl??? i DOOOOO