Cancer

Day 1

Levi

Day 1: she smokes.

I take a seat at the only empty table I could find: outside in the back of the school. next to the dumpsters.

I take my lunch sack and sit it on top of the semi clean table. this is as good as it gets.

nobody wants to be friends with the sick kid. the kid who's dying. the kid that's suffering the most.

sometimes I hate myself so much. how could I get cancer? is this karma? have I done something terrible?

the blame is on me. the blame is on me. the blame is-

I shut my mind off quickly. shoving the ear buds into my head, drowning out the wicked thoughts that almost drowned me.

I stare at the food in front of me. I don't want it.

I pull the hood over my head, fold my arms in front of me on the table, and rest my head.

Im done.

I blast twenty one pilots in my ears. louder. louder. Id rather drown in music than my own thoughts.

I feel my eyes closed tightly. don't cry. don't cry. what am I crying for anyway?

my hood gets yanked off, and my ear buds get snatched from ears.

I almost panic, but then I see her. Violet. she has a hood over her head, with some of her beautiful brown hair flowing out.

then I notice something ive never noticed before. her lips were moving.

"hey, kid? you alright?" she asked. her green eyes looking so intensely into mine.

"yeah." I reply in my soft, low, shy voice that I absolutely hate. but she didn't seem to mind.

"cool. mind if I smoke?" she asks. i stare at her in astonishment.

she's asking me if she can smoke here. does she not know I have cancer already? I don't need it to get any worse.

"yeah, sure." i pick my bag up so she can sit. I didnt know how to say no to her. she was such a mystery.

instead of sitting in space I made for her, she sits on the table, with her feet on the space where my backpack just laid.

she reaches for her pocket and pulls out a cigarette and a purple lighter.  I snorted.

she snaps her attention to me. "whats so funny?"

I stay silent while she stares at me, waiting for an answer.

"its just that your name is Violet and your lighter is violet." I look at the ground in embarrassment. "its not really that funny though."

"its okay, kid. I would laugh but Ive heard that same joke over millon times. Im so fucking tired of hearing it." she says the last part slowly and angrily. she said it like she ment it.

she puts the cigarette between her teeth, cups her right hand around the fire, and inhales very deeply. then exhales.

i try to hold my breath but i end up inhaling the smoke anyway.

"im sorry."

"for what?" she asks.

"you seemed angry when i told you why I laughed. I just wanted to apologize for being the cause of your anger." I say looking at the ground.

she lets out another breath of smoke. "its okay, kid."

we sit in silence as she smokes, and I listen to my music.

after a long time of sitting in silence, she asks me a question.

"what are you listening to?"

"just some band. you've probably never even heard of them."

"try me."

"twenty one pilots."

she pauses for a second. "nope never heard of them." she smiles. "thats a weird name for a band."

"yeah, I guess it is." truth is, i didnt agree with her. I love this band, shes never even heard of them, yet shes so quick to judge.

but she didnt judge me.

"whats their songs about?"

"I dont really know. just some weird stuff." I knew exactly what their music is about. i just didnt want to share them with her.

"oh. so your into weird stuff?" she laughs.

"I guess I am." I smile back.

the sound of my ring tone almost stops my heart. "its my mom." I say, standing up and walking away from Violet.

"Im coming to get you right now." my mother says quickly over the phone.

******

im in the hospital again. what people dont know about me is that I have a fear. thanatophobia.

yes, for i fear dying.

but just because im afraid of death doesnt mean that it wont happen. i will die. and because of my sickness, im going to die quicker then the adults around me.

theres just some much i want to do in my life, that i just cant.

"Levi!" my graceful little sister sings my name as she skips through the door. God she's so beautiful. if not now then in the near future. the future in which i won't exist.

"Lani, i missed you!" yes, I really did missed her for the few minutes we had been apart. and when my time is over, I will miss her for an eternity.

following behind my sister is my dad. then my mom.

"hey sweetie. here you go." she places a small bouquet of flowers on the table next to me.

"why?" I ask. I didnt really mean to say it out loud, but its to late now. she heard me.

"what do you mean 'why'? God, I hate when you do this, Levi. im trying to be a good mother, okay? is it bad that I bring you flowers when your in the hospital!?" she starts to raise her voice.

"no its fine." I say, but thats not really what I wanted to say. I wanted to tell her that I dont want her flowers. because when someone gives you flowers, to me its like they think Im dying. and it scares me.

she clears her throat. "so how are you feeing?"

"i feel great mom!" i say sarcasticly.  "Im laying in a hospital bed right now, mom. your bringing me flowers like im going to die or something! how do you think I feel?!"

I look around the room as everyone stares at me in shock.

"im sorry."