Cancer

Day 4

Levi

Day 4: a day without her

I'm in the hospital.

the cancer is spreading they say. I haven't even felt anything.

I notice my mom starts to tear up. she reaches over and holds my hand for support, she tells me that it's going to be okay.

but it's not.

they make me stay the night at the hospital, my mom refuses to leave my side.

but visiting hours are over now. so I lay in the hospital bed all alone.

I want to call Violet, but I never got her number.

I want listen to music, but I left my ear buds at home.

I want my cancer  to go away, but there's no cure.

I lay there, bored. so I make up crazy scenarios in my head.

I think about my future, you know, if I don't die today.

in my future, Violet is there.

geez, its like I'm obsessed with her. she's always on my mind. I could die at any second and my last thought would be about a girl I've known for only 3 days.

but somehow, I'm okay with that.

******

my mom left earlier to get some stuff and she just returned. "hey, Levi. how are you feeling?"

"i'm fine." I tell her.

"alright, I want to talk to you about something later on today." her words shake me up a bit. i'm not looking forward to whatever my mom wants to talk about later.

"okay. where's Lani?"

"oh, i'm the only one visiting today."

"so why not just talk to me now? you made it seem like other people were coming in."

she chuckles because she knows i'm right. "yeah, sorry. well, remember that girl that you were hanging out with?"

"Violet?"

"yes. she came over earlier. She asked about you."

I get a sudden rush of excitement and happiness. "did she?"

"mhm. she was out on our porch." she pauses for a second. "smoking a ciggerette." my mom gives me a hard glare. "she apologized and said that she thought you would answer the door. in my head, I asked myself 'why would she be smoking if she knew you had cancer?' I told her that you weren't home. she asked where you were and I said at the hospital."

I got scared. i was afraid that my mom told Violet.

"what did she say?" i said, stuttering a bit.

"she got concerned and said 'oh no, what happened to him? did he get hurt'. and that's when i realized that this girl doesn't even know that you have cancer. and that you lied to me."

"mom, let me explain-"

"what were you thinking?  hanging out with this girl that smokes?! and you haven't even told her? does she smoke around you often? your already at risk of dying?! do you wanna die, Levi?!" she stops to take a breath. tears rushing down her face.

that last question she asked shook me a bit. do i wanna die?

"i'm sorry. you know i love you and i don't wanna see you go. your gonna beat this. we're gonna fight this fight together. i don't want you to hang around that Violet girl anymore. she's only gonna make your cancer worse."

"but mom, she makes me feel alive."

"how could she possibly make you feel alive when she's bringing your death date closer?!"

that's when the doctor walks in. "i hear a lot of yelling coming from this room. miss, i don't think yelling is appropriate for this patient. is everything okay?"

"yes, everything is fine." she says taking a breath, calming herself.

I feel a tear escape my eyes. of course the doctor notices and he says, "mam, I'm gonna have to ask you to step out for a second."

my mom nods understandingly, grabing her purse, she shakes her head at me while she leaves out.

maybe I should just tell Violet.

is that the right thing to do?

yes of course.

but I don't want her to hate me.

I can't tell her.

I just can't.

I turn the tv on in my room and flick the channels.

if I can't listen to music to stop my mind from racing, I gotta distract myself somehow.

suddenly, a sharp pain hits my back. I groan out in pain.

I've felt the back pains before but this hurts a million times worst. my body turns as I try to get rid of the pain, I yell out in agony. suddenly im paralyzed. my body on it's side, as the pain in my back quickly spreads.

I faintly hear the door burst open, two doctors rushing in to help me. all I feel is pain.

"it's spreading," I hear them say. theres a loud ringing in my ears now. I can't hear anything.

the pain intensifies as I lay stuck.

im screaming but I can't hear myself.

everything freezes. and just as quickly as the pain came, it went away.

I gain control of my body again and sit up. the doctors stop and look at me.

"mr. White? are you okay?" the male says.

"n-no. I need water." my mouth suddenly feeling dry. my heart pounding in my chest.

he leaves to get water, while im left with a female doctor. "how are your legs?" she says.

"my legs? no, it was my back."

"the cancer is in your spin. it can effect your legs, arms, and your neck. I asked about you legs because after something like that happens, people find it hard to walk. if you can't, you might need a wheel chair."

I think of Violet. if I can't walk and she sees me in a wheel chair,  she'll know.

I start to breath heavily.

I can't let her know.

I pray that my legs work and I would never have to sit in a wheel chair.

she comes to my side and helps me stand. I don't mean to but I pushed her away and stood up on my own.

a pain shot up as my foot hit the ground and it went up to my back. but it was bearable. and I walk from the bed to the bathroom door and back.

"see, I can walk perfectly fine on my own. no need for a wheel chair."