my freudian slip - phan

xxxiv.

Dan can't stop looking at the shape of his mouth - that's the thing - it's not about how he wants them to take him, it's how they've changed.

A small light from the window is coming in on the two, and Dan can see Phil's eyes. Their not their usual crystal self, they're softer, less edged– he want's to sink into them.

"How do you want to do this?"

Dan closes his eyes. "Just kiss me."

It's quiet. Phil's hands are just as feather light, warm on his cheek as their lips finally meet. "I love you."

Dan goes to speak. He remembers how Phil had yelled it before.

"Shh, no." He lets his finger brush the bottom of Dan's lip. "You don't have to say anything."

He sighs into himself. Still his eyes are closed, and he lets himself succumb to the small trails left by Phil's fingers. It starts at his lips, and falls to his chin, thumbing its way around the small of it. "You're beautiful."

He can only breathe out Phil's name. He leans forward, wanting his lips again. An index finger is placed there instead.

"I've wanted to know who you were since the first day I saw you."

The fingers trace his jaw now, and breathe hangs there. Slowly, Dan can feel a warm wetness follow this trail, and Phil's lips replacing it, racing along his stubble. "And now that I know you I can properly say I love you."

It makes his neck twitch, and he moans it out. "I-I love you too."

Dan doesn't mean to say it. It's a slip. Freudian. Dropped from the unconscious– a part of him.

But if this is what love is, if it's feeling safe and soft– than he is in love. Daniel Howell is in love. Daniel Howell is in love for the first time and he is absolutely taken.

He opens his eyes. "I'm sorry."

Phil can only run his hand along his cheek. "Don't be."

The light is turning a pink, illuminating the silver chiffon curtains, and Phil's skin is a canvas; rose and jewel-like. Dan can only imagine how he looks in the shadows compared.

Hot tears slide down onto Phil's fingers. "I'm a mess." He puts his hand up on Phil's. "I fuck people for drugs and I'm probably fucking addicted because all I want to do is be happy for a few hours. I want to die every single bloody day and I only go out because I hate being so alone."

"I love you even more for it."

Dan's back shakes with a sob. "I don't deserve you."

"I love you." Phil repeats.

"I love you too." And he really means it.