Trigger

Ch. 1 - Again

aleks got home later than he should have, and was greeted by a jovial eddie sitting in the living room watching a shitty movie on tv.

"aleksandr!" eddie chimed, waving at his friend as he walked through the door.

aleks waved back slightly, and made his way upstairs. he didn't want eddie to bother him right now. he needed to be alone. 

"i'm going to bed," aleks remarked quietly, and eddie replied with a loud "okay!"

as he made it upstairs, he went into his room and kicked his shoes off near the doorway. he sighed deeply and sat on his bed. he buried his face in his hands and could feel those fucking tears welling up in his eyes again.

aleks was in so much fucking pain, he felt like he was going to explode. he couldn't handle the thought of people laughing over and over at his humiliation again, it made him feel so worthless and stupid. he knew that people wouldn't think it was a big deal, but it was a big deal to him. he let out a shaky breath and stared at the floor.

he thought about what had went wrong, why he was like this. he couldn't really pinpoint when he had started hating himself so much, but he definitely knew it had been there for a long time. he had been aimless, even though he made tons of new friends and met so many new people when he started youtube. but he still felt empty.

he sat for a while in silence as he replayed the whole scenario that happened earlier today while they streamed creature talk. the whole time, all they did was make fun of him. they degraded him. it was obviously a joke to them, and they expected aleks to laugh at himself a little. but he couldn't.  he couldn't help feeling like shit and making fun of himself with them. he felt like he deserved to be made fun of. they always do this. and he knew he shouldn't take it to heart, but he couldn't help it. and that's when he got bad intent.

aleks sighed deeply as he opened the drawer on the side of his bed. he searched around a bit, until he found it at the bottom of a drawer. 

"it's been a long fucking time," he whispered to himself. "but i think i need you right now." he rolled up the sleeve of his hoodie on his left arm and exposed the light skin on his forearm. barely visible and faded cuts littered his light skin all the way up to his shoulder.

he used his thumb to raise the blade of the sharp boxcutter. he looked at it for a few seconds, contemplating if it was even worth it. but that was quickly interrupted by his own thoughts screaming 'just do it already!'

so he did. slowly at first, his hand unsure if he wanted to do this again. his fist clenched and he breathed out loudly, the pain shooting up his arm. his eyes squeezed shut in pain as blood rushed down from the cut and onto his pants. but he didn't care.

all he cared about right now was the pain he had despised, but so dearly missed.