Lavender- A MerDer fanfiction

I still want you.

My locker is empty, everything that makes me who I am is now neatly packed into the box that I clutch to my side. On my way out of the hospital I am greeted with sad goodbyes and good lucks. I even get a few congratulations, but only if they knew. I wasn't just leaving behind Derek and an empty locker. I was leaving my home, my friends, my entire life. As I began my decent down the stairs for the last time I reminisce on all the times the Chief has stood on these very same steps to deliver words of encouragement. I continue down the steps and out the glass front doors of Seattle Grace Mercy West Hospital. For a brief second I just stand with my face turned up toward the sky letting the rain drench me. Of all the things I am going to miss, I am definitely going to miss the rain. I get into my car and drive home to finish packing.

As I am pulling into my driveway I can barely distinguish a figure standing by my front door. I quickly park my car and step out speed walking through the rain to see who is at my door. The figure turns around to reveal that it is Derek and he is completely drenched from head to toe. His black hair is completely soaked as well as the shirt and jacket he is wearing.

"Derek come inside, you must be freezing, did you walk here?" I ask suddenly realizing that his car is nowhere to be seen.

"I can't believe you." he begins angrily "Not even three days ago you are kissing me, asking me to stay with you, and you don't even have the decency to tell me that you are leaving the program"

"Derek, please come inside with me, its cold out here and I have neighbors" I plead with him.

He eventually relents and allows me to lead him into my home. We don't get further that the foyer before he is at my throat again.

"Why are you leaving." he demands to know.

"It's complicated Derek." I try reason with him.

"No it isn't" he says slightly calmer. He gets closer to me and gently cups my cheek with his hand "Can't you see Meredith, I still want you"

"Derek.. you are with Addison" I take a second to collect myself " I am happy for you, I am sure she really loves you. "

I pause to wipe the tears from my eyes and he looks at me as if I had just stabbed him.

"But it breaks my heart to know that I cant hold you," I continue choking up "It's hard to think that ill never get the chance to say that you are mine."

He gently uses his other hand to softly hold the other side of my face.

"Why do we always want what we know we can't have?" he asks his gorgeous lips dangerously close to mine.

I feel the warmth of his hands and I smell the peppermint on his breath. Even though I know I shouldn't I feel compelled to bring him closer to me.

"Stay the night with me?" I ask knowing it is a long shot.

"Meredith..." he sadly begins before I take the initiative and bring my lips to his.

This kiss feels different that all the other kisses we have ever had. This kiss feels final, this kiss feels like the end. This kiss feels like goodbye.

"Stay?" I ask him one more time practically begging.

He just simply give me a slight nod before pressing his still soaked four head up against mine. I grab his hand and lead him up the stair to my bedroom. He follows me into my room and shuts the door softly behind him before turning to face me. The only lights in the room are the streetlamps shining through my window. They cast random shadows allover the walls. Derek slowly walks towards me until we are practically chest to chest. I reach my hands up and remove his jacket from his persons letting it drop to the floor with a quiet thud. Derek then begins slowly undoing the buttons of my jacket not dropping eye contact with me the entire time. He then begins undoing each button of my button up shirt. He goes slow, taking his time, once he has unbuttoned all the buttons he gingerly slides my shirt off my shoulders revealing my completely bare torso. He runs his hands down from my shoulders and down my sides letting them rest on my hips. His touch sends shivers down my spine and his penetrating gaze makes me feel self conscious. I find myself unable to meet his icy blue stare.

He uses his left hand to tilt my head up forcing me to look at him "You are beautiful" is all he says.

I continue undressing him peeling his still soaked t-shirt off his body. We both kick off our shoes and wiggle out of our pants until we are both standing there in nothing but underwear. Derek gently lays me down on the bed and hovers over me. His lips find mine and it is like sinking into oblivion. We take things slow, savoring each touch and every kiss knowing that it is quiet possibly our last. He touches me so gently, running the pads of his fingers over my bare skin. He touches me like he fears that if he is too rough I will crumble to dust in his hands. I reach for him pulling his body closer to mine, needing to feel his skin on mine. He is kissing me so sweetly, our chests pressed so tightly together that I can feel his heart beat. The last pieces of our clothing is removed and with on deep ragged breath we become one.

"Meredith" he whisper-moans into my ear before kissing my neck.

"I love you" I whisper into his hair as he continues to make love to me.

"I love you" he says looking me in the eyes before kissing me deeply.

Derek and I make love slowly, into the early hours of the morning. If this is indeed our last night together we both want it to last. Eventually our bodies collide one last time in a beautiful explosion of passion and heat.

He lays down beside me pulling my body into his. I curl up next to him with my head on his chest and his arm around my waist.  I don't want to leave him, or Seattle. Laying here in his embrace it is almost too easy to forget that my plane departs in just a few short hours. I feel hot tears falling from my eyes and onto his chest.

"Meredith?" he whispers tilting my chin so he can look at me.

"I don't want to go." I admit to him.

"Then why are you leaving?" he gently prompts wiping my tears away with his thumb.

For a brief second I consider telling him the exact reason, but I know full well that if I cause tension between him and Addison she will blacklist me for sure.

"Please talk to me Meredith" he pleads running his hands through my long blonde hair.

"Derek, Addison told me that I needed to leave Seattle, so that you and her could have a chance" I admit leaving out the entire threatening aspect of the story.

"Meredith," he says stunned rolling so her can look directly into my eyes "my lawyers are drawing up the divorce papers as we speak"

"What?!" I exclaim sitting up.

"After the night we spent cuddled In the on call room I know that I didn't want to be with anyone but you Meredith, you are like fresh air. Its like I was drowning and you saved me" he says gently taking my hand.

"Derek..." I begin before he interrupts me with a kiss.

"I want to be with you Meredith" he says as rolls us over so that he is on top of me.

"I love you, and I want to be with you." he continues kissing my neck and jaw line.

"you still want to be with me?" I ask feeling doubts.

He pulls back from his assault on my neck to stare deeply into my eyes. Derek gently pushes the hair from out of my eyes softly stroking my face.

"Meredith Grey, I have wanted to be with you since the moment that I first laid eyes on you, I wanted you then, I want you now and I will continue wanting you forever" he smiles that McDreamy smile that I love.

"So what does this mean..." I ask running my hands along his bare chest.

"This means that I am leaving my wife, and that I love you. And you love me too. This means that you need to stay." he says kissing me again.

I pull his lips closer to mine, I don't want to waste any more time. I have him, I have Derek Christopher Shepherd in my bed, in my arms. I have wasted so much time being scared, scared of loving him, scared of being too close, and scared of having my heart crushed. But being here in his strong embrace I know that Derek Shepherd means every word he says and that when he says he wants me forever he really means forever. Derek and I continue to cuddle and kiss until the sun is high in the sky. I look at the clock and smile a wide smile.

"What is it?" he asks smiling at me his blue eyes shining.

"I missed my flight" I reply, leaning in to give him a sweet and gently kiss. A kiss that no longer felt like goodbye, but instead like hello.