The Chronicles of Corn Man: Origin Story

The Meeting (Introduction to Corn Man)

They say never meet your hero...

I finally arrived at the Corn Maze after weeks of trying to convince my friends to go. It was wonderful; you would have enjoyed it, really. There were so many rides and attractions, and the food was amazing! There were even vegan options for me (I'm vegan btw). I looked around for Corn Man but I heard he wouldn't be taking pictures until 2pm, so I decided to have a look around. My goodness, there was so much to do! No wonder people spend their whole day there. I decided not to go to the maze itself until I met Corn Man as I was worried that I would get lost and miss him entirely!

I was bouncing on the gigantic bouncy castle when I saw it: a glimpse of yellow and green. Squinting in order to see better, I slowly strode towards the giant floating object until I was absolutely sure...yes! It was corn man! My stride rapidly became a sprint and I darted between children and cake stands. The adrenaline pumping through my veins, I felt like I was flying. Finally, I reached him; the almighty Corn Man.

When I arrived in front of the marvelous being, I looked up to him like a child looking up to Santa Claus. Between deep gasps for air, I finally confessed my admiration to him.

"Corn Man, please, you are my hero! I have spent the last 6 years of my life watching you from a distance and I've finally worked up the courage to ask you....can I have your autograph?"

I looked at him with wide eyes and an innocent look of pure joy and hope, and for that split second my life was perfect. I stared into that large gaping mouth of his, eagerly awaiting his reply.

But no reply came. Not even a glance- he didn't even look me in my god damn eyes! He ignored me; shoved me out of the way! For a moment I was shocked, but then I came to my senses. Corn Man could never ignore a fan! He was just too perfect; I was sure he must have a good reason for rushing past me like that! I looked over to the place he was pacing towards with such gusto, expecting maybe a cat stuck in a tree or goddamn Theresa May offering him a job in parliament. But no.

It was the barbecue. He was running to get the last goddamn burger.

It wasn't the fact that he ignored me that pushed me over the edge, nor was it even the fact that it was over something so ridiculous.

Corn Man was a meat-eating sellout.

THE MAN IS MADE OF CORN AND HE'S FUCKING CARNIVOROUS!

I've worked my ass off all my life making sure that I live up to my family's vegan name. I went to vegan academy and put my life on hold to get a degree in veganism! My man has to be a pure, straight up herbivore like me or our marriage will never work. What will our 4 children do???? Be omnivores!? Not on my watch. Corn Man was a disgrace.

I trudged away in tears, and bought a Corn Man plushie on the way out. At least I could then be reminded of what once was, and what could have been. I went home and prayed to Vegus (Vegan Jesus) and then went to bed, wondering what my meaning was if I could not be with Corn Man...