The Chronicles of Corn Man: Origin Story

The Burger (Corn Man's POV)

Another day at the maze.

Y'know, I love my job, I really do. But when you've been doing it for 85 years you start to wonder what else could be out there. I've secretly always wanted to be on Broadway, however nobody will ever take me seriously, for I am merely a Corn.

I wasn't always a Corn Man; I was once a Corn Boy with big dreams of starring in Annie or Chicago. God, I could play a mean Amos Heart (at least in the bathroom mirror). But, alas, my parents didn't believe in my dreams. They said, "Cornelius, you will never be a star on Broadway! Look at you- you are corn. Be smart and join the family maze business. It's good money and an appropriate place to find a Corn Wife."

So that's what I did. I joined the family maze business and when my parents retired to Florida (why do old people like it so much there?) I inherited the role of Corn Man. I also found a lovely wife; her name was Maizie. She took care of me for 54 years, but then sadly she passed away from pesticide poisoning. I spoke at her funeral...and after that heartbreak I vowed that I would never love again! But it's been 31 years, what's a Corn to do? I get so lonely, which might be why I've stayed at this god forsaken job for so long. 

203 years old might seem old to you, however in human terms I'm only about 28. I still have time to leave and follow my dreams, but then who would take over the maze? I had no children with Maize, for god's sake we weren't even married for that long! I feel as if it's my duty to stay here; what would the children do without the corn maze? God. They'd probably be in gangs or dead from cocaine overdose. Corn's probably the only good thing they've got going on in their little lives.

Yesterday should have been the best day of my entire life, but instead it was the worst. 

It was just a regular day at the maze. 30 minutes until corn time (2pm) and I was in hair and makeup, getting my corn brushed for the fans. All of a sudden, my assistant and best friend (Shuckisha) came running in.

"Corny! Cornelius!! There's a man out here for you saying he thinks you could be a star!"

Shuckisha's frizzy hair bounced with excitement, as I wondered what the shuck she was talking about. Then, a tall dark figure wearing an expensive-looking suit walked in. 

"Cornelius Kernelston? The name's Ryan Bobbins, but you, my friend, can call me Ryan. I saw your YouToob video of you singin' I Dreamed a Dream on the interweb and son, I like ya style."

Ryan Bobbins had a hoarse, fast Boston accent and he pronounced "video" like vid-ya. I was amaized; I posted that video 5 years ago and finally someone has recognized me! Could this be my big break? We talked for about 20 minutes about my dreams and my plans and also a bit of boring contract stuff, until he finally said to me:

"Son, whaddya say you come to New York with me and I'll make you a star?"

Well, I was flabbergasted. Years of auditions, sending out portfolios and nothing. And then suddenly out of the blue all of my dreams were about to come true! I told him I would do anything for that to happen.

"Well the gig's yours, but we have to leave first thing tomorrow morning. I've got the travel arrangements sorted so all you have to do his hand in your resignation."

"But- tomorrow? Gosh, is that enough notice? Who will take my place? What about the children? This place is my ho-"

Ryan interrupted me. "Look, I know this has been your dream for quite some time. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity, and haven't you given this place enough? It's time to start looking out for yourself."

He was right. I needed to be selfish just this once. So I shook his hand and took the job. I knew it was the right thing to do and, hey, maybe one day when I'm rich and famous I can come back here and donate some money so they can expand the maze. Ryan then asked me for on last thing.

"Hey, could you go get me a burger?" 

He pronounced burger like Boyga. 

"I'm famished. But make it quick- and don't let me down. You don't want a stupid burger to be your strike one. Three strikes and you can say goodbye to your dreams. I'm a very impatient man ya see, and there's plenty of other corns who would love this gig."

I could tell he was being serious so I sprinted to the barbecue. Despite my veganism, I was prepared to eat the damn burger for this guy. As I ran, I spotted someone in the corner of my eye. It was a young woman and she was running in my direction. She was very pretty, but I had my heart set on getting this burger. When I looked back at the barbecue I saw there was only one burger left, so I sprinted even faster. If I was going to get fired it would be because I got caught in a drug/prostitution scandal like the real celebrities, not because I couldn't fetch a damn burger. 

Suddenly, the girl from before was right in front of me. She was asking for an autograph but I didn't have the time. I wanted to explain to her that I was doing something very important but the stress stopped me from speaking. Finally, I got to the barbecue. Luckily, I was the Corn Man so I got to skip the queue AND I didn't have to pay. I thanked the cook and ran back to Ryan but not without catching a glimpse of the young girl. I felt bad but, what could I do? I needed this job and she would get over it.

That night, I went home and started to pack. Tomorrow was the start of my life.