Freewrite Thursday

September 8: Across the Universe

You are beautiful.

That's only one of the many positive things I can say about you

Its funny how I cant think of anything for myself, like how can I think of someone in that way

But not even see it in myself.

Well.. I used to see it in myself, But my family fell apart when I made one stupid mistake. 

Now all I ever get is that im not good enough, or not worth living.

Anyways... I know im a downer, like ALL the time. But I dont know why to be honest.

I know I have a lot of problems, that some I dont have any control over like my other personalities..

again getting off to my point im so dumb. okay. I know you try, or even if you're not I think you are... ok but I really do appreciate it, a lot. You don't know how much just by even talking to you helps me, I may not seem like it but yeah... Im not avoiding anything you're asking me to do, I really am just insecure. about everything. Ever since my dad used to... do things... I was terrified out of my mind to mess up or do things im not suppose to do. I know im ready to be better, but its just the fear of what there will be to come.. its just.. I dont know. Yes... I did cut, so much and it felt so good when the blade hit my shoulders.. but idk then something just didnt feel right, I mean, it didnt feel as good as it usually does, it doesnt relieve my pain as much. I did... think about overdosing... but I know that would be dumb and you wouldnt forgive me..

I sometimes question, why. why did I have to screw everything up.

And why were you so nice of a person to give me another chance..

Wow this so didnt turn out to what i wanted lol

I wanted to say that, and you most likely already know this, I really do like you a lot. idk its just, stupid ig it wouldn't happen... fck it. I love it when you play your viola (yup that gave it away of who im frickin talking bout) I just want to idk... be able to connect to you and to god because your really helping me to get back to my faith, I like how you always seem so positive and I love the bible verses you send me when im at my breaking points, I like just talking to you about music and school and those occasions when we talk about faith, and I honestly dont want that to end. I know im a pain in the ass sometimes and what im saying is most likely crazy but.. thats how I really feel about you. You are beautiful, talented, and literally the most amazing girl I have come to know.

I think im gonna try something new... stupid new.. but ik the numbness will make it better.. or maybe just read... I have a bible.. idk.. little bit of both maybe.