Not Always As It Seems | TsukkiYama

The Anxieties of Yamaguchi Tadashi

just a fair warning before reading this, from this chapter forward, you can expect a plethora of panic attacks, homophobic slurs, and overall angst. there is also some internalized homophobia

Yamaguchi ran. He ran as fast as he could. This wasn't happening, this couldn't be happening. This was all just some joke, some sick joke. By tomorrow Tsukki will tell him it's just a prank, and then laugh it off. But this was not happening. Good things don't happen to freaks like him. He couldn't let him date a freak like him, he didn't deserve that.

He rushed into his house, ignoring whatever his mom had said to him as he entered. He ran into his room, slammed the door and locked it. He leaned against the door, tugging his collar away from his neck, trying to breathe. He was having another panic attack. He had had them before in the past, over the same thing for the most part, but this one was worse. The walls were closing in on him, his eyes were blurry with tears. He couldn't hear his mom pounding on his door over his erratic heartbeat.

He was a freak, Tsukki didn't deserve a freak. He didn't deserve some mistake, some fuck-up like him. His mother eventually was able to unlock his door. She spent the next hour attempting to calm him down, until he had finally cried himself to sleep. She carried him over to his bed and pulled the blankets over him.

~~~~

Tsukkishima, to say the least, did not sleep that night. He was unsure as to why he was so upset. Maybe because Sugawara had sounded so sure that he wouldn't be met with rejection. He sighed, unsure of how to act around Yamaguchi now. Begrudgingly, he got ready for school, a heavy feeling weighing down on his chest.

He hadn't seen the freckled male on the way to school, and he wasn't in his seat when class started. He was unable to pay attention during class. He sighed dejectedly, was Yamaguchi not hear just to avoid him? When lunch finally rolled around, he wasn't hungry. He heard some kids snickering behind him, he turned to face them.

"Aww look, the f*g who got rejected last night." one of them said, laughing. Tsukkishima's breath hitched, had they overheard him confessing last night?

"You can't honestly say that you didn't expect him to reject you, he isn't some sick queer like you." another chuckled. Tsukkishima stood up abruptly, shoving his desk over a few inches. He stormed out of the classroom. He felt the eyes of all of the students in the room on him. His mind was racing, he felt sick. Did they really overhear him last night? He stomped up to the roof, people doing their best to not get in his way.

Great, just great. Not only was Yamaguchi not hear, his classmates knew. There was no way this day could get any- wait, no, that might jinx him. He knew there were plenty of ways things could go wrong. Not like he really  cared anymore.

He skipped the rest of class that day. He hung out behind the gym, waiting for practice. He had considered skipping that too, but decided that it wasn't worth it. He hung his head low, trying to make sure he would be composed enough so that nobody would ask questions.

~~~~

Yamaguchi felt like complete shit. His mom had him stay home that day, saying he needed to take a break. True, it was easier than plastering on a fake smile and pretending he didn't totally fuck up his friendship with Tsukki. The blonde had been known to play mean jokes, but this was going too far. What hurt worse, though, was the thought that Tsukki wasn't joking. That he had ran away from someone who genuinely liked him. That wasn't likely though.