The Girl That Changed Everything

Eight

"Ciara are you paying any attention to the lesson?" I wasn't but I wasn't going to say anything. I heard a few people snicker and hid my face. It was 3rd period and neither Kylie nor Stacey were in this class, but Chad was. I had been staring at him wondering what he had that I didn't. By the way he looked at me I knew he hated me. Three weeks had passed since Stacey told me she loved me and I avoided her every chance I could. Kylie and I spent much time together, but I was careful not to let her get too close. I liked her. A lot. The more time I spent with her the more I liked her and it scared me.

"Ciara see me after class," I heard the teacher say and realized I hadn't answered his question. Instead of replying, I laid my head on my arms. I could feel all the eyes of everyone in the class staring at me. This class couldn't end soon enough.

~+~+~+~+~

"Ciara, what's been going on? Your grades are starting to slip and you aren't paying attention. Are you okay?" Mr. Lombard. He always paid attention to me and it kind of creeped me out, but it showed he was concerned of my well-being. "Thanks for asking, but I'm fine. I've just been sort of busy with a few things." I smiled to make my lie seem more believable. After a few seconds of squinting at me, he nodded. "Okay, but just know that if you ever need anything, I'm here." I nod before leaving the class.

I'm late to my next class, but I realize I don't care. The teacher gives me a dirty look when I walk in and everyone stares at me. Today was seriously not my day. I had let Stacey constantly control my mind, thoughts of her never ceased to exist. The more I tried to forget about her the more she stayed.

I didn't love her. I don't love her. Love doesn't exist, it can't. I thought I believed it, but I could feel myself doubting it. What was going on with my brain lately?

~+~+~+~+~

"Hey Ciara," Kylie smiled as she walked over to me. I gave her a quick smile, but I wasn't really in the mood to be around anyone. I needed to think. "Are you okay? Did something happen?" I thought it was sweet that she cared, but I couldn't bring myself to tell her about Stacey. "It's okay Kylie, I'm fine, I've just been thinking a lot. I'm sorry if I disappoint you, but I think today I just need to be alone and think about some things." There was hurt in Kylie's eyes, but other than that she didn't show it. "Okay C, I'm free if you need or want me to stop by." I smiled at the use of her nickname for me. For a second I considered taking back what I said and just spending the rest of the day with her, but I needed time to figure out what I was going to do. "I'll talk to you later Kylie."

The walk home seemed longer and quieter than normal. I had gotten used to walking with Kylie every day. Kylie was sweet, I'm sure she noticed no one was ever home, but she never said anything about it and she didn't ask any questions. She let me tell her anything I wanted to tell her before she asked anything. She was completely different from Stacey. Stacey almost always put herself first, but not when she was with me. She wasn't outgoing and careless. She always thought about me and cared if I was okay. She was really shy too, but she told me she loved me first. I really thought she did, for a while, but now...

When I got home I went straight up to my room and started typing away on my laptop. There was a lot I had to say.

There is no way love exists. It can't possibly exist with everything that happens in this world. People don't love other people they cheat on. You can't "love" someone if you break up with them. You should stay with someone if you love them no matter how much it hurts you. Right? No, love doesn't exist. The concept is so confusing that no true form of love can exist.

Stacey can't love me. Kylie could never love me. I can't love either one of them. Kylie is just my friend and Stacey, my ex.

I stopped. Was all of that true or was I just saying it to make myself feel better? Whatever it was, it wasn't making me feel better. Burying my face in my pillow, I cried, wishing I could talk to my mom about all of this. She would know how to help me, or at least make me feel better. I cried thinking about my parents until I fell asleep.