D R O W N

you snapped my mind in two

i didn't cry when you slapped me.

you simply laughed at the red mark and the smile that was dripping, running, melting off my face leaving marks that looked like tears but they weren't. i promise they weren't.
i would never cry for you.

it was the first of many. but the smiles became seldom and the hits became frequent.

it was always you and that laughter. they followed me as i ran down the hall and somewhere a teacher called out "no running inside".

outside the classroom you told me you loved me and laughed at my shocked expression.

and your smile disappeared and you leaned in real close so i could feel your hot mint breath on my cheek and i thought this was going to be it.

then you whispered to me exactly why i was the dirt beneath your feet. exactly where i stood in your view. exactly how lonely i was.
you put me in my place.
thank you.
i was young and you ruined it all.
and i thanked you as i didn't cry.
more marks appeared, but i would never cry for you.

at the drink taps at lunch you turned my friends against me. it was funny how easy it was.
your teeth clicked together in that charming, blindingly white smile of yours and i felt as grey as the wall behind me.
that's when i realised how alone i was. that's when the truth sank in.

i sat in the library and didn't cry until the bell rang.

when we lined up for class you stared at the marks on my face. my friends didn't notice but you did. they were all from not crying.

my grandma died that week.
it was a week of camp and of not crying and being hit in the head with a soccer ball.
it was a week you snapped my mind in two.

three months later, there were tears in my eyes as you walked next to me with a whole group of unfamiliars.
you tried to get me to cry. i punched you in the shoulder and you laughed that brash laugh as they egged you on.

you and your cloudy blue eyes and the houseboat you go to on the holidays in Eildon.
you and your magic tricks and that smile everybody loved except me.
you and your charm that made adults instantly like you.
you and your two sides.
the ugly for me and the beautiful for them.
you reminded me of a snake, especially when you gave me that perfect, straight toothed smile and told me i was worthless.

i could fill a galaxy with all the tears i didn't cry for you.
all the marks that appeared on my face were merely constellations.
and the shining in my eyes were brilliant suns.
of course the salt on my skin was just star dust.

i would never cry for you.

i hated you.