My Works

#4

Sometimes I forget that I actually mean something to anyone. I sometimes wake up and find it hard to get out of bed in the mornings. There are sleepless nights, best friend fights, and days where I wish I could just disappear. I am constanly looking in the mirror picking out my flaws, but then I remember a dream I once had. I was standing in the mirror crying and then something covered the my eyes and I could only hear his voice. It was soft, deep, and sounded so smooth. I remember the look on my face I seen in the reflection when I seen it was him. Who else would it be, God? No. It was the same guy whose stood by my side through so much. He took my hand and told me all that he seen when he saw me. This dream hasn't left my memory and it's been months since I've had it. I sometimes say things I don't mean, sometimes mix up what I'm trying to say, and sometimes I just feel like saying I've had enough and go to end it all..I admit I've thought about it. I have actually even thought about how. But I could never do it. I hate pills. I could never pull the trigger(besides that I don't own a gun) I hate tight close feeling so I would never hang myself. I don't like pain or blood so that's out. I can't see myself drinking or eating something poisonous either......even if I had a solid proof choice with no flaws I wouldn't do it. I would think about my sisters and how they will grow up knowing about my fucked up choice. They wouldn't have me for advice like they need sometimes. I would think about my brothers and how they would be like without me. I think about my cousins and how I'm the first girl in line for prom and graduation. . .what kind of example would it set to just throw it all away?! Then I think of my mom. She is all I've ever had and I'm her best friend too. I would never want to hurt her like that. Then lastly I think about Devon. I think about how much I love him and what he means to me. I think about the open possibilities that our future holds. I love him. I think that he really does help me continue on.. My bottom line is that I'll always have a reason to continue on. No matter how hard life gets for me I will always continue. I just know that no one will ever know what it's like being me. -<3-