Heartbreak Hotline

ethan collins

"Ethan, it's Ezra, that boy from the library. How's—"

"Tough luck, my koala-owning-friend."

"Oh, fuck me."

"It seems like Ethan didn't want to do so. [pause] Wait, you're bi?"

"In many things. Bisexual, bilingual, and not a fan of bisectors or bison."

"What do you have against bison?"

"You want the short or the long?"

"Short first."

"Satan's fucking incarnate decided he would reap me some other day."

"Alright, tell me the long."

"On the first Remme family trip ever, consisting of me, my older brother, my step-mom, and my dad stuffed into a battered Camry, we went to Yellowstone Park. So we're taking a break from the car ride, and I get out to stretch and get some fresh air. Keep in mind that little Ezra is, like, six. I'm standing in the middle of the road, 'cause we were in the middle of nowhere and there were no cars around within a five mile radius, and I was minding my own business."

"Oh, God. I sense calamity."

"Then all of a sudden, this furry 500-pound brown motherfucker comes charging out of nowhere straight toward me. I literally thought Satan was coming for my ass. So of course I flipped the fuck out and started screaming—because what six-year-old wouldn't scream if they thought the devil was coming for them? But this bitch barrels straight past me and into the forest on the other side of the road. And I was like, Okay, guess I'm going to hell some other day then."

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA—"

"It was a traumatizing experience. Please don't laugh at my pain."

"HAHAHAHAHA. Have you had any other tragic encounters with wild animals?"

"Oh yeah. Every day."

"Do you visit the zoo on a daily basis?"

"I go to a high school, which is much, much worse."

"Isn't Anglo International School a fancy, prestigious academy that 'breeds leaders' and 'cultivates intellect' or something?"

"In other words, it's a breeding ground for rich assholes who have nothing better to do with their money."

"Isn't it really difficult to get into? My brother applied but he didn't get in."

"Yeah. You either have to be a genius, insanely rich, or have connections."

"And you are?"

"All three. You know Ralph Remme, the man who Vogue has called the new Cristobal Balenciaga?"

"Yeah, he—no way."

"Yes way."

"How did a man as talented and good-looking as that give birth to someone like you?"

"Did you just call my dad good-looking? I want to bleach that sentence out of my memory."

"You're welcome."

"Anyway, yeah. Everybody at my school is a douchebag. On another note, what's Sequoia like?"

"It's pretty good. Schoolwork's rigorous. Currently procrastinating on my AP physics project  as I talk to you. I've got a few friends, my family's chill, and I've got my boyfriend, so life is good."

"You have a boyfriend?"

"Yeah. Name's Landon East."

"You're Landon's girlfriend?"

"You know him?"

"He's on my lacrosse team. I'm the goalie."

"You're—HAHAHAHAHAHA. LANDON ALWAYS COMPLAINS TO ME THAT THE GOALIE IS AN ANNOYING LITTLE SHIT."

"I knew that fucker was out for my blood."

"He's not wrong."

"You think I'm annoying? [mock offended gasp]"

"...Vaguely."

"I heard that pause. [laugh] Fuck you, Nika."

"No thanks, Ez."