Heartbreak Hotline

noel mangwiza

"Hey, koala boy."

"Hey, Ivashkov. I found out your last name today when I took Landon's phone in the locker room. Also, was that lovely red imprint on his cheek your handiwork?"

"Yeah, because I found out that he drank himself to shit last night at Lupe's party and made out with some girl."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I was honestly only dating him because dating a lacrosse player meant free tickets to the games, and also to spite his sister, this insane bitch who tries to make my life hell."

"That is the level of petty I aspire to be."

"Thanks. I'm not really torn up about it. Anyway, did anyone reject you today?"

"Yeah. It's been a week since I've been rejected. Noel Mangwiza is her name. Soccer player."

"Don't mess with soccer players, Ez. They're trained to kick balls."

"Oh, do I know that."

"You've dated soccer girls before, I take it?"

"Well, yes, I have, but my older brother is a soccer player, and I swear to God he's out for my family jewels. In fact, I think he just wants my head."

"Why?"

"I don't think he sees me as a Remme. I was adopted."

"Well, screw him."

"I know, that's what I said. And then he punched me in the gut."

"What's his name?"

"Adler, but I just call him 'dick'."

"[laugh] Fitting. Does he go to Anglo International too?"

"ASB president, editor-in-chief of the school newspaper, captain of the soccer team. Adler's everybody's golden boy."

"Trust me, I know how you feel. My brother Dimitri was valedictorian and head of the national-level debate team. People usually refer to me as 'Dimitri's sister' or 'the other Ivashkov'."

"Here's to those of us who live in the shadows of others."

"Cheers."