dear god i know,

god only knows

neil's point of view

"you don't mind me reading aloud, do you?" i ask, setting my book lightly down on the desk.

"no, i, uhm i find it relaxing," todd looks up from his notebook.

"i wouldn't want to interfere with your writing," i grin.

"you're fine," his lips curve into a small smile, and i start to feel slightly accomplished.

"my heart leaps up when i behold
a rainbow in the sky:
so was it when my life began;" i pause to steal a look at the quiet boy.

"so is it now i am a man;
so be it when i shall grow old,
or let me die!
the child is father of the man;" another pause for another stolen look.

"and i could wish my days to be
bound each to each by natural piety." i finish the poem and collapse onto my bed with a sigh.

my eyes meet the ceiling; what a familiar sight. every detail of it is etched into my brain. my eyes are glued upon it every night. my sorrows gather in the back of my throat. and i breathe.

"william wordsworth?" todd whispers.

"william wordsworth." i assure.

"you should write your own stuff," todd's voice is barely audible.

"really?" i question him.

"it, it'd be great."

"not as great as yours, todd." my voice echoes through the old wooden room.

silence.

"my father used to tell me that poetry was just a way stupid lovesick men got their feelings out. but i. i believe it's so much more than that. yknow?"

"i do know," todd says, and i feel like i could bask in the sound of his voice forever.

"todd?" my body is cold, my sheets are cold.

"yes."

"will you write me a poem?"

"you want me to-"

"i, neil perry, would love to have my very own poem written by the one and only todd anderson,"

"then it's settled. i'll write you a poem."

a smile graces my face, and when i close my eyes to sleep, all i can see is todd.
..

..

todd anderson graces my mind more than i think, and if my father could see into my brain, he would disown me.

but hasn't he already? his only son, broken by the cruel world, cut down to almost nothing. his only beloved son scarred by the sadness that drove him to swallow one too many pills.

and now i am stuck at a catholic preparatory school, because the father, son and the holy ghost fixes everything that was once broken.

but everytime we close our eyes to pray, my mind fills with todd. his voice, his lips, his smile. and it almost feels wrong.

almost.

and so, there's one part of me that longs to feel happy, to be who i once was. everytime i picture the future, todd shows up. and i can't breathe. i can't breathe because im scared. i can't breathe because i can't disappoint my family again.

so, i try to block it out. i try. but todd anderson is more holy than the father, son and holy ghost could ever be. and if the bible was filled with the poems of todd anderson, than maybe i would read it everyday. maybe i would have a bible on my bedside table; the bibles that have your name signed in the cover.

but it isn't filled with the poems of the effervescent, todd anderson. it's filled with the silly words of a madman, a madman that i have been told to believe, and that i have somehow convinced myself is right.

.

.

.

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hey MY DUDES ITS BEE!!! i have another fanfic collaboration with my favorite writer in the whole world, gracie !! she'll be writing todd's point of view and i will be writing neil's. the story will be heavily based around poems and the struggle between religion and love. i hope you like it 💓