Ever since your first chemotherapy appointment, you've been exhausted, falling asleep as soon as your head hits the pillow.
Usually, I find myself staring at you, as your chest moves up and down steadily. Sometimes, there's a small smile on your face. After a while, your quiet breaths send me to sleep like an old lullaby.
And most of the time, I think about how peaceful you look, with your hair flopped over your closed eyes.
One day, you'll be like this forever. One day, you won't wake up.
One day, your chest won't lift and fall in a perfect rhythm.
It'll be completely still.
On some nights, I wake up and check how you're doing. You're always okay.
But tonight, something's different.
A tear rolls down your cheek. Your eyes flutter open, and they remind me of deep pools.
I think I can feel myself drowning again.
You whisper my name. It's so quiet I can barely hear it, but I do. After all, I've come to memorise the way your lips move and the way you smile when you say my name.
Sometimes I think you own my name better than I do.
You lean your head onto my shoulder, and I can feel the light sensation of your tears on my arm.
"I'm scared."
As soon as you mutter those words, I think about comforting you.
But how can I, when I'm just as scared as you?
So instead, I tell you about how I spend sleepless night after sleepless night making sure nothing happens to you, and how I'm absolutely terrified of what comes after. I cry about how I'm not sure I'll ever move on from you, because there'll never be anyone that will make me laugh and smile like you do.
There'll never be anyone that will ever make me love like you do.
When my cries start to quieten down, you begin to tell me how you're not really scared of dying, or the pain from the cancer.
You're more scared of being away from me.
Once you're gone, I know you'll always be watching over me. But I don't want you to watch me progress through life, experiencing it all through my eyes.
I want you to be right next to me, holding my hand. Because everything is so much more beautiful when you're looking through your own, bright eyes.
But on top of everything, I'm sad.
Because, one day, you'll be gone, and it'll be an eternity before we find our way back to each other again.
