I'm used to it

Chapter 1

Here we go, another day of my miserable life. I wish i hadn't woke up, but i heard the sound of my stupid alarm. I rolled myself out of my bed and went to the bathroom. I looked into the mirror, i hate myself. Look at my face, my eyes red and puffy from crying me to sleep last night. My eyes didn't sparkle anymore, the last time i had the sparkle in my eyes was too long ago for me to remember. I wish i was still sleeping, forever. I put on some make-up to hide my puffy eyes and the bruise on my cheek. Don't mind about the bruise, it's from my dad. He's never here, but when he is, i feel it. He hates me, i hate myself too. I wish my mom was still here, but she isn't. I miss her, so much. My dad is always working, i'm always alone but i'm used to it. It doens't matter, i like being alone. I brushed my long brown hair and let it fall over my shoulders. I walked to my closet, i picked out a gray sweater, a black skinny jeans and white converse. Just simple, nothing special. I grabbed my bag, went downstairs and made 2 sandwiches for this afternoon. I put them in my bag, together with a bottle of water and closed the door behind me. I'm on my way to school, i have no bike or a car, my dad dodn't pay for my bus so i have to walk to school. But i don't mind, i'm used to it. It's not that far, i always walk through the park on my way to school. It clears my mind before i have to go back to hell.

I walked into the school on my way to my locker. People always hang around with friends in the hallway, i wish i could do that too. I have no friends here in London, 3 years ago i moved here. I lived in Canada and i loved it there but when my mom died my dad wanted to go to London, and because i still can't live on my own i had to go with him. My life was perfect there, i had friends and a loving family. Now i have nothing anymore. People here doesn't even know my name, teachers always be like 'hey, you there in the back'. Nobody knows anything about me. I arrived at my locker and opened it up. I took out my math book that i needed for the first hour. Suddenly someone shut my locker and i took a step back.

"Awww sweet picture of those faggots in your locker!"

"Leave me alone.."

"What did you say?!"

"Please go away."

"Hahaha loser."

Meet Sophie, Nicole, Dena and Carol. They always pick on me, worst part is that they're all in my class. Like i said before i have no friends here, and getting bullied is even worse. I don't get it, why me? I never did something to them, i used to smile to everybody that looked at me. But now, i don't even know what smiling is anymore. When i walk through the hallway to my class, i don't look up. I always look down to my feet. I don't wanna see people staring at me or calling me names that i'm not. I settled myself down in the back of the classroom. I was always sitting there, on my own. I was always the first one in class because i didn't like it when people stare at me when i come in. More and more people came into the classroom. Sophia, Nicole, Dena and Carol always came in last; seeking attention. Boys were always hanging around them, i bet Sophia has fucked the whole school already. Nobody calls her a slut, nobody dares. They're the popular group and everybody seems to adore them and hate everything they hate, me. Our teacher walked into the class, first hour was maths. My points at school were good, i had no friends to go out with so i just studied. But still teachers didn't know my name. I wish i was out of here, i wish i lived back in Canada. I hate my life here, everything is so fucked up. Sophia took the chair in front of me and looked at me with a horrible smile. 

"What a horrible picture is this, gross!"

"If you say so."

"They don't even know you? Idiot."

And she left. Yes, i'm a big fan of one direction and i'm not ashamed of that. She seems to like that, so she can talk trash about them. But i don't want other people to like them, Sophia would only like them for the fame. But i don't, i saw them growing up in the last 3 years. And that's worth so much more than anything in the world. I really love them, they saved me. You know a lot of girls say that but i'm serious. They're the only reason i keep going on. I never thought they were gonna mean so much to me. I know they don't know me, but i don't care. I love them and i support them. I don't care what people say about that. On my twitter account, i'm loved. I have friends there from all over the world. I talk to everyone and i'm happy there. But that's not the real world. In the real world i'm sad, quiet and suicidal. The only positive thing about living here, is that i'm closer to them. I didn't meet them yet, but one day will be my lucky day. Class went over fast as I walked through the hallway to go outside and eat my lunch. On my way outside Dena walked by and pushed me down, all my papers fell to the ground. And guess what everyone stands there, laughing. Nobody helps me, but that's okay. I'm used to it.

I settled myself down under a tree and took my sandwiches. Everyone is sitting with friends, laughing and having fun. But i'm always alone, nobody wants to sit with me and i don't know why. I really don't know what i did wrong that everybody hates me here. I took a sip from my water when someone smashed against the bottle. I chocked and started to cough. My clothes were wet, my make-up all over my face. "HAHAH, ohno look at your face now !" I heard Dena and Nicole laughing very loud while they walked away. I ran to the toilet and locked myself there. That's normal, i mostly sit there on my own mostly crying. Tears rolled down my cheeks, i hate my life. Why did they have to do that? Why can't they just leave me alone, i didn't do anything to them. Suddenly the bell rang, i wiped away my tears and went to the mirror. Disgust, my face is horrible. The bruise was visible now and my eyes were black from my mascara. I fixed it a little bit and made my way to the classroom as fast as i could. But i was late, too fucking late. "Nice bruise on your cheek, want one on the other cheek?" Carol laughed just like the rest of the class. It was hard to hold back the tears. But i'm used to it. I went to my seat in the back and ignored all he laughter. The teacher gave back our homework and i got an A. This was French, i was really good at it because my family in Canada spoke French. I saw Sophia giving me a dead glance, i decided to ignore it. At the end of the class she came to me and pushed me from my chair. She kicked me once in the stomach and started to scream.

"I GOT A B YOU IDIOT! I told you i needed an A, didn't i?"

She gave me a puch on my lips and left the class. I always had to make her homework or she hits me. But even when i made her homework she beats me up. Mostly when the grade isn't high enough. Everyone was just looking at me, i took my bag and ran out of class. I ran out of the school and went to the park. I had still 3 more classes to go, but i can't do this anymore. I was running, crying, screaming. I took my phone out and looked at my lip, blood and already swollen. People on the street were looking at me, i could feel their eyes on me. They probably don't even care what is going on with me. I arrived at the park and settled myself down under my favorite tree. It was a big one by the water. It helped me to relax. I took my bag and looked for my razor. I cut, i do for almost 3 years now. I've cut on every inche of my body but no one ever noticed. Of course it hurts, but it takes away the emotional pain. I'm addicted to cutting, i can't stop it and i don't have a reason to. It's hard to stop after your first cut.  You should see my body, it's horrible. Scars everywhere. My legs, arms, wrists, my belly,.. Every part of my body is filled with scars. Nobody has every noticed, so i keep doing it in silence. If Sophia, Nicole, Dena and Carol would know, they would bully me even more. They would say i'm doing it for attention. I placed the razor on my wrist and let it slide over my skin. Tears rolling down my cheek, harder every second. I'm ruining my body, everyday. But my razor is the only thing i have, it will never leave me.

*

A/N:

Hii, i hope you like it! Let me know what you think about it :)

The girls on the right are how i picture Sophia, Nicole, Dena and Carol aka the bitches hahaha

xoxo Fem