I'm used to it

Chapter 2

I sob uncontrollable. I feel so empty, lost in this world. With nobody around me, it's hard to survive. My wrist keeps bleeding. My gray sweater is full of blood. What would people think of me if they see that? I'm a freak, that's why nobody likes me. I wasn't born to be lucky i guess. My breathing is getting normal again but the tears keep falling. I want to scream but there are to many people around. I just want to jump into the lake and drown myself. I guess that would be the best for everyone. I want to get out of here, i want to feel happy again. But that's not going to happen in this place. I look around and i see everyone smiling and being happy, and then you have me. My arm full of blood, tears rolling from my eyes. But that's okay, i'm used to it. I can't even remember the last time when i really smiled. I always put on the fake smile, to hide the pain. I don't want to bother people with my problems, but nobody cares anyway. So i just do what i have to do, survive. And that's really hard here. You know people mostly don't know what an impact their words have. Nicole called me fat last year. I lost a lot of weight and i barely eat. I'm afraid to get fat again. I searched for a tissue in my bag to stop the bleeding. The tears just won't stop. I really had enough of everything, it was getting too much. I really don't want to live anymore.

"Are you okay?" I jumped up when i heard a voice behind me. I saw a tall guy, with a beanie, scarf and sunglasses. Like he wants to hide himself. I was still crying like crazy.

"Why do you care.."

"I'm just asking.."

"Well you don't have to, i'm fine."

"Are you sure?"

"LEAVE ME ALONE OKAY!" I started to cry harder, why would he care about me. Nobody does and nobody ever will.

"Hey, it's okay. Stop crying."

He put his arm around my shoulder. I pushed him away and started to cry even harder. I don't like it when people touch me. I hate it, i'm always afraid they'll hurt me like my dad. "Don't touch me!" I screamed back at him. He took off his sunglasses and those eyes could only belong to one person in this world. I knew those eyes. I saw these eyes so many times on my laptop. I know it sounds stupid but i'm sure, it's Liam. It really is him. I sat there frozen, in shock because he just stood in front of me and i screamed at him. I started to cry harder and fell in his arms. I felt safe for once. "I'm sorry." I sobbed. "You don't have to be sorry, but wha-.." He stopped talking when he saw all the blood on my sweater. I looked him in the eyes but looked away after 1 second. I don't like to talk about my problems. "You don't have to tell me, but we need to take care of that. Come with me." He grabbed my hand and pulled me up. I didn't say a word while we were walking. This was not how i imagined meeting my idol, really not. "I love you." I almost whispered but he heard it. He smiled at me and grabbed me in for a hug.

We arrived at his apartment 5 minutes later. "Take a seat." He smiled sweet and went into the kitchen. I sat myself down in the couch and curled myself up into a ball in the corner. People didn't care about me in the last 3 years. I felt wanted for once, but i couldn't express it because i've been through so many horrible things. I do not only have scars on my body, but on my soul too. I'm scarred for life and that will never go away. I don't like being around people, i need time to get used to them. I'm always scared they're gonna hit me or something. I just need time, but i can't tell him. Liam came back from the kitchen with a towel, disinfectant and some band-aid. He sat himself next to me and asked for my arm. With a bit struggling i gave in.

"You shouldn't do it you know. It's not good, do you want scars on your body?"

"I already have."

"How long have you been doing it?"

"For almost 3 years."

"Why?"

I didn't answer i just looked away. Liam was taking care of my scars but i just couldn't tell him why i have them. I would start crying again, and i don't want to cry in front of him anymore. He looked up at me, waiting for an answer but i didn't. "I'm sorry, it's non of my business." I gave him a little broken smile. He made me feel happy actually, but i'm just another fan. Another face in the crowd. Why would he even care. He finished my arm and kissed it. "Please don't do it again.." I would like to stop, but it became an addiction. I can't help it. He rubbed his thumb over my swollen lip. "I'll get you some ice." Why is he so sweet for me? Nobody ever is, is today my lucky day? He came back from the kitchen with a bag full of ice and placed it against my lip. "Did you fell or something? I mean the bruise and your swollen lip?" Tears started to prickle in my eyes and not long after that tears started to roll down my cheek again. I felt so embarrassed, i was crying again. I'm so fucking weak. I want to tell him, but i just need time for that. "It's okay, shhh." He rubbed circles on my back, it calms me. I felt save for once.

I heard voices. I opened my eyes and let them wander around the room. How did i get here? I get out of bed and looked into the mirror. I never looked this bad, i had a jacket on. Probably from Liam. I went to the door and listened what they were talking about. I recognized the other voice. A husky voice, slow and soft. Nobody could have that beautiful voice but Harry. I'm afraid to open the door, i don't know where i'll end. I don't want them to see me like this. I opened the door and ended up in another room, closer to where they were sitting. There was a piano here, a white one. I listened to what they were saying.

"She's so fragile Harry. She won't tell me anything, so it must be bad. I want to help her."

"Should i talk to her?"

"I don't think she will tell, she seems so closed. She don't trust anybody."

"I'm trying to trust you." My voice sounded so weak when i said that. I stood in the doorway, with the hood of the hoodie covering half of my horrible face. I settled myself down in the other couch so i was facing both of them across of me. I bring my knees up to my chest. They both looked at me but didn't say a word. Me neither, i couldn't speak. I was wondering what Harry was thinking of me. I mean you should see me, i looked so lost. Lost in this world where i don't even belong. But Liam found me, and i'm so glad he did. "Did you sleep well?" Liam asked. I nodded and looked at him. Harry was staring at me with sad eyes. I looked back down, i just couldn't look in their eyes. "Are you okay?" Harry suddenly asked. I shook my head 'no' and a tear rolled down my cheek. I wiped it away before they could see me crying. "Do you wanna talk about it?" I shook my head 'no' again. He stood up and came to me. He settled himself down next to me and pulled me into a hug. I was so weak, i wasn't even struggling anymore. I fell into his arms and started to sob uncontrollable. "I'm so sorry." I cried. "Shh, it's okay." It's not okay, it never is. I always embarrass myself, i'm horrible. That's why people don't like me. I let go of him and ran back into the room where i've slept. Why can't i be fucking normal, what does he need to think of me? I sat in the corner of the room crying with my knees up to my chest. I can't handle this life anymore. I can't keep everything to myself, i need to tell somebody. I have to, i can't keep going on like this.

I'm still crying in the corner like an idiot. When someone suddenly opened the door. "Are you in here?" I heard Liam his voice, but he came to me before i could answer. I looked at him with my eyes full of tears. "I'm sorry." I looked back down. "Stop saying you're sorry, you don't have to say that. But i want to help you, if you let me." He grabbed my hand and carried me back to the living room. Looks like Harry left, i shouldn't have ran away from him. "Where's Harry?" I asked soft. "He thought you'd be more comfortable if he wasn't around." He said. "I didn't mean it like that.." I said sad. "I know, and he knows that too." We stay silent for some minutes. I need help, i need to tell him. "You don't even know my name, why do you care so much about me?" I asked with a weak voice. "Because i want you to be happy, nobody deserves to feel alone or sad." He looked straight into my eyes.

"I'm Amber."

*

A/N:

Soooo? She met Liam! What do you guys think?

& Happy birthday to my angel Zayn :)

xoxo Fem