Letters for my soul

Excerpt from "The Book I Will Never Write"

"If one day you wake up, and you no longer care about me" she says "say so during our morning coffee and I will let you leave"

"I will not ask  you why, I will not ask you to stay one more night. I will give you a small smile to say that it's okay and that people lose feelings for all sorts of reasons and that I will survive"

"If it comes to it" she says "just say so. You should stay because you want to and you should leave if you need to"

"He's not mine" she said, "And I don't think he ever will be"

"And maybe that's a good thing because things are never how you imagine and having expectations only sets you up for disappointments"

"But I can't help but imagine what lying in his arms would be like," she told the sky, "I can't help but imagine being close enough to feel his breath on mine and his skin on my skin"

She closed her eyes and felt the wind brush it's fingers through her hair, and imagined he is beside her

"He's going to kill me, you know" she whispered to the moon, "he's going to commit murder and the worst part is, he wouldn't even know it"

"Was it hard?" she asked, "you know, letting him go"

I smiled as I wiped a tear that fell to my cheek, "not as hard as holding on to something that was never real in the first place"

"Did he loved you?" she said, "was there a part of you that felt his love for you was real?"

I stopped and thought about all the memories we ever created, all the words he ever said and all the messages he'd ever given, "If there was a time, even in the smallest measurement that he did loved me, I guess I'll find it in my memory, in the places we've been and the things he's done, I think he did" almost choking up the words, I said, "It's just that, people fall in love and people fall out of love, and what hurts the most is that falling in love is never a choice, you just didn't expect it to happen, but falling out of love?" I chuckled bitterly, "that's a fucking choice, damn"