Torment

HEART TOO CHILLED

Suddenly, she could no longer breathe. The blistering sensation started to rise from every pore of her skin as if they were wounds being set on fire burning her flesh. And she ran.  She ran across the crowd of hundreds of people towards the narrow hallway but the white lights that welcomed her visions immediately blinded her eyes, it was too bright- no, it was too much. Her head was a heaping bowl, swirling and twirling as she tried to concentrate. She ran and tried to look around, to focus her attention but she could no longer feel herself.

"Excuse me." She gasped but most of the people ignored her, realising that asking people was a helpless act, she had to figure it out herself. She had to do this alone. Never in her life she felt so helpless, so irrational and terrible, for the first time she didn't know what to expect, she didn't know what to do. She knew she had to move forward and look everywhere but she was slowly crumbling. Her limbs started to ache. Her lungs sought for air; head still throbbing in utter shock and dismay. The severity of her current situation was almost unbearable. She turned right, then left then up and down but she could not see a thing, everything was blurry. She could not find nor feel something.

She already passed among the dead and the living and still, she could not find what or who she was looking for. Until she unconsciously passed through the chapel and she was brought to stop. She gulped and breathed and stared at the crucifix hanging on the altar wall. Although she never worshipped God, was it really possible that even she believed that hope was only for those second souls who were unfortunate, He would still grant her wish? Immediately she thought it was irrational so she turned around but her feet was brought to stop when the preacher's voice in the chapel bombarded the four corners of the room with his words, "*You think you have lost your faith but you have not." Her heart contracted, pounding and hammering horrifically against her chest. Fragments of her bones seemed to clatter along her skeletal system. Now, everything was brought to stop. "You have only misplaced your faith. And you can find it where it lies down deep in your soul. And the way to do that is through the simple process of love." For some unknown reasons she could hardly explain, tears started to form in the corner of her eyes.

No, she whispered to herself. She never wanted to breakdown in front of other people. She knew that she should not cry but she could not help it. However, the feeling of emptiness and hollowness was worsened when the preacher continued to say, "Love yourself, forgive yourself, you cannot love and forgive other people if you don't first of all love and forgive yourself." Not longer than a minute she was already sobbing. Her hands covered her mouth to stifle that mortifying sound. She tried to breathe calmy but failed. She tried to wipe her tears but it was relentless. She tried to walk but her legs were already going numb. "You have to realise that people are fallible beings they make mistakes, they have to be excused from these mistakes and allow them to continue on with this quest for a better life and for goodness."

For how long would she be able to bear everything? All the burdens she had carried out, all the hates and furies she unfurled and now that she knew that it was still possible to see what she was really looking for- to conquer through that harrowing struggle of her life and identity? She had to find her way to the right path but her soul seemed to murder itself. With wet tears still visible on her cheeks she looked up and turned away from the chapel. Unashamed of her weeping already, she began to venture her journey again. But instead of running, she walked this time and turned right. She walked and calmly tried to find her way, willingly to do everything over and over again. She didn't care whether she would suffer or not.

"So please forgive yourself, go on the journey of finding love and forgiveness...." The voice of the preacher continued to echo in her ringing ears. It was the day that probably left a mark on her forever.