Half a Heart | Niam Horayne |

| Chapter Three |

"Faggot!" Josh's voice bellowed through empty hallways as he shoved me against a locker. "Did ya miss me?" He asked teasingly and I clenched my eyes preparing myself for the pain I'd soon endure. I felt a fist make contact with my jaw. "You look at me when I'm talking to you, got it bitch?" He growled angrily. I nodded, afraid to speak, not trusting my own voice. He pulled on my hair viciously, "I said, got it?" He asked furiously. "Y-Yes," I stuttered nervously. He scoffed, "Worthless fat cunt, you're going to really get it today," He growled. It's not necessarily the physical pain that hurts, it's more of the emotional pain. He digs into my insecurities and makes sure that I understand that I'm nothing special, I'm as worthless, and unlovable.

And that's creeps through my feelings and makes all of the happiness I once experienced into a pit of depression and despair that I wouldn't tell anyone, just my journal, since I'm already a nuisance; why make people hate me more."Come with me," He demanded. I was confused. "W-What?" I asked and he rolled his eyes grabbing my wrist and digging his nails into my fresh cuts, and I let out a quiet whimper. "Pussy," He muttered as he dragged me towards the bathroom and shoved me towards the mirror. Oh, not this again. "You see that?" He spat out and I nodded, murmuring a small "yes," and he chuckled. "That thing... That thing, disgusts me," He said, the venomous and painful truth weaving through his words. Don't worry Josh, you're not the only one. Everyone else, including I, agrees. I thought sadly. "But don't worry, I'll make you prettier," He said in a cruel voice. What...?

Before I knew it he shoved my body into the mirror, shattering it in the process. The glass dug into my back and arms. This pain, is the pain I'm used to. The pain that creates deep cuts and allows blood to filter through my broken, fragile, skin. The kind of pain that makes me feel better, which confused me because I let out a whimper. Oh yeah, that's because I'm not doing it. Although, I deserve it, it hurt a lot. Is he done? I ask myself before my question was answered as he punched me in my black eye, the third time it's healing process has been tampered with. "Stupid emo fatass, you deserved that," He growled, delivering a kick to my rib before exiting the bathroom, leaving me to pull the glass shards out of my skin. Seriously, aren't there any teachers that would notice this? I shook my head while pulling the last piece o glass out of my skin. The bleeding had subsided but I look horrid. Black eye with a bruised jaw and a few cuts on my right cheek and much more injuries.

I look horrible, seriously, bloody horrible.

I shook my head as I got up to head back to fifth hour, the thing about block-scheduling is that whatever you have fifth or sixth hour is cut short by lunch, but then you go back for a half an hour or so. Yeah, high school is confusing. Especially if you live the oh-so-wonderful experience like I do. Note the sarcasm. That's probably yet another reason people hate me because I'm so bitter and cold and I don't talk, but I wouldn't be this way if it weren't for Josh, people hating me, and well, the one and only (And pretty damn perfect, pardon my language,) Liam James Payne. It's kind of an honor that I share the same middle name with him and I dated him for a month, even though we didn't even kiss and I was just being used. Okay, I'm starting to be creepy. Nah, I was creepy before; but I can't help it, he's so gorgeous; and now I sound like a teenage girl.

I stood out the door and when the bell rang I opened the door and sat down. Mr. Murs looked at me curiously, "Mr. Horan, what happened to you?" He asked and I shook my head. "Nothing," I lied and he just nodded, a little disappointed that I had small holes from the glass in my sweater. Oh well, at least it isn't completely ruined. Ha, that's another lie; it's okay though, I have plenty of sweaters. There was around five minutes until class started since I was early, so I put in my ear buds and listened to one of my favorite songs. I hummed along to the lyrics and when everyone was seated, and the bell rang, I took out my ear buds, turned of my iPod, and stuck it in to my pocket. The rest of the class period went by slowly since it was used to finish our assignment. I just used it to write down my depressing thoughts in my notebook. I have no life. The funny thing is, soon I'll literally have no life. Oh, that's depressing, sorry you had to know that. I'll shut up now.

The bell rang once again signaling that it was time for us to go to our seventh hour class. Approximately an hour and a half until I get to escape this trap called school. Praise the Lord; okay like seriously you're going to have to get used to my weirdness and depressing thoughts. Ugh, Algebra. It's pretty easy for me, but for one I have to sit by him, I think you know who I'm talking about; yes, Liam. I gathered up my notebooks and walked out to Algebra. Oh my, this'll be torture. Josh is in this class too, and he sits right behind me. Right freaking behind me. See? The world hates me. People hate me. I hate me. Seriously, it's not like this is my first time complaining but he always makes fun of me in that class like, seriously Josh, leave me alone. Okay now I sound like a teenage girl... Again. Maybe being a teenage girl would be easier though, I could like perfect and amazing guys like Liam and not be judged. Yeah, it would be a lot easier than being a teenage nuisance that everyone hates just because I'm gay, and a little weird, and plenty of other reasons but, ugh, it would probably be easier to go by unnoticed.

I sat down in my Algebra class and propped up my head with my hand. Kill me now, it would be better than this torturous class period. "Well if it isn't the fag," Josh said smirking at me, really? He had to be here second? I gulped nervously. "How are your new injuries?" He asked, chuckling. Pinching one of the areas on my face the glass had cut through my skin. "Josh, please, can you just leave me alone today?" I pleaded and he cackled out a laugh. "Oh, that's cute Horan; you're really stupid, huh? The obvious answer is... What? Oh yeah, no," He said with no hint of guilt or anything in his voice. Is this boy Satan's spawn or something? Why can't he just give me a break; make my life a little easier. Then again, his popularity would be at risk and then I guess his life would be a little tougher. I mean to have a happy in high school, you have to be either popular, rich, attractive, funny, or you have to put others down to raise yourself up.

So basically you can't be me.

"Bitch, are you listening?" Josh asked snapping me out of my trance. I gulped, "S-Sorry," I stuttered and he rolled his eyes and went to his own seat when the teacher walked in following a few students and... Harry! Yay, it's Harry. This is one of the very few classes I have with him. Well, I have this, third hour Study Hall, and eighth hour study hall I have with him. I'm in between him and Liam, which gives me a little comfort knowing I get to sit with my best friend, but at the same time having to sit by the person who hates me and also cheated on me. Oh my cheese, now my day just keeps getting worse, I hate these stupid thoughts. "Hey Nialler- Whoa, what happened to you? Was it him again I swear one of these days I'm going to-" I chuckled and cut him off, "It's alright Haz, it's fine. I'm fine; really," I assured him and he shook his head. "One of these days he's going to really hurt you, whether it's physically or emotionally, your life is at risk," He said in his words of wisdom voice. But, what he doesn't know is that I'm already about to end my life. It may not be today, and it may not be tomorrow. But it'll probably happen soon. 'Cause I don't know why life's worth living anymore.

I sighed and shook my head. "I'm fine Harry, but class is about to start, I suggest sitting down before you get in trouble," I said as the bell rang and the final kids came in including Liam and Harry's crush Louis. Aw they'd be so cute I ship it like the freaking Titanic except this ship won't sink because it's indestructible and perfect in every way and oops, there go my ovaries. I can call it Larry! Daww, that's cute,.... I'm seriously turning into a girl. I need help. A lot of help. Oh well; I'm already messed up and if I'm not going to keep this life for much longer might as well let my thoughts flow freely. Liam sat by me as I brought out my Algebra notebook for note-taking. "Okay Class," Mrs. Liuminnial said softly. She's one of my favorite teachers, she doesn't judge and she's also funny and sweet. Yeah, she's basically my favorite but I also love Mr. Hood. He's our music teacher and he's very talented and cool, I guess they're tied because honestly I couldn't pick a favorite between them.

Mrs. Liuminnial started speaking once again. "Since I'm tired, and I don't feel like teaching. You guys get the opportunity to work with partners," She smiled brightly, me and Harry making eye contact instantly, along with other people and their friends. That was until she started to speak again. "I'll be choosing partners, and you have to work with them. You can't just sit around and do it yourself," Then she started pointing at people. "Ed Sheeran and Perrie Edwards, Mika Kolodzne and Luke Hemmings, Parker Gill and Zayn Malik, Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson, Liam Payne and Niall Horan," She finished off. Of freaking course. I get partnered up with someone who practically hates me. Woohoo, that made my life. Yay. No, at least I can look at him without being creepy. Okay, now that sentence was creepy so never mind. Liam groaned in annoyance, gee Liam, can't you have a little more manners? I mean you don't have to be a complete jerk. Sorry you're not with that arse Josh.

I'm so bitter.

"I'm not too thrilled either," I said without even realizing it. Oh my, my mouth needs a filter, my life's going to end sooner than I plan; not necessarily from me, but it would technically be my fault. "Good, then we're on the same page," He growled. Oh, that's hot. I mean, that's not. Oh, Niall; you need to get your priorities straight. Kind of hard to do when you can't even get your sexuality straight. Ugh, not my fault I prefer,... Hot dogs over tacos, if that's the way I should word it. I could re-word it differently but it's sort of naughty. The again, a lot of my thoughts are naughty. Oh my. I should seriously stop talking, but that's probably not gonna happen. I let out a sigh, "Lets just study and get it over with, okay?" I asked; he just sighed and nodded; and that's all we did. Study for an hour and half, while I glanced and my best friend and Louis flirting, and my some-what friend Parker blushing whenever Zayn said something flirty to them. Aw, that's cute! I ship it. I really do.

Soon the bell rang and when I exited the classroom and turned; I was shoved against a locker. "You little filthy cunt, did you really think you where going to get away that easily? I wasn't finished with you," Josh growled as he kneed my already bruised abdomen, causing me to emit a small whimper. "I know you like him, I know you like Liam; and that's fucking disgusting," He spat as I started to slowly hyperventilate. What? How'd he know; I know it's wrong, considering what's he's done to me and I still can't get over him; but how does he know? "I-I don't know what you're talking about..." I stuttered out, trailing off at the end of my sentence. A clear sign of lying. He scoffed. "Stupid faggot, you're obviously lying," He said delivering a blow to my shoulder, then another to my cheekbone. Ouch. I whimpered as he shoved me away. "Do the world a favor and just kill yourself," He bellowed as he walked away. I will Josh, I will soon enough.

I sighed as I picked up my books that landed on the ground from Josh pushing me; I then walked over to my locker and unlocked it; then I took out my navy blue backpack and shoved my books in it and zipped it up carefully, and shut my locker. I let out a squeal when I was eye to eye with my friend Parker and fell on my butt. I put my hand over my chest and panted. "Parker, you can't do that to me!" I exclaimed and he chuckled. "Sorry, Ni; but I was wondering,.... Would you like to go to a party with Zayn, Harry, and I this weekend? Tomorrow's Friday, it would be good for you to go somewhere," He said using his puppy-dog eyes. Parker was about an inch shorter than me, so he's probably the shortest person in our school, I mean I'm pretty short but this guy reminds you of a little pixie-elf-thing. He's adorable, no doubt about it. He has shortish longish hair. I know that makes no sense, but his hair is blonde, almost like mine but his is a bit darker and is swept over his eyes and he has dark honey-brown eyes and a pale skin complexion. The reason we look alike? We're cousins.

"Parker,.... I'm not sure," I said with a sigh. He pouted, "Please!" He whined. Oh no, not this. "Parker..." I said and he smirked. "Please, please, please, please, please, please, please! Niall. Please!" He exclaimed getting on his knees and begged. Oh my God, Parker you're going to embarrass me. "Fine!" I exclaimed and he cheered and got up and hugged me. I huffed out a sigh, he's lucky he's family or I would've slapped him and said no. I love him though, so that's out of the question. "Okay, so I'll pick you tomorrow at seven! Oh,... Do you need a ride home?" He asked kindly. I nodded, "Please," I said and he smiled as we walked and talked until we were out of school and in his car. "So Nialler, how are you handling the... Liam thing?" He asked and I bit my lip and sighed. "To be honest, not so well. I can't stop thinking about him; but I know I should since all he did was use me. But, I can't. I still like him," I said and he nodded. "I'm sorry Niall," He said with a look of sympathy in his eyes.

Around five minutes later, Parker and I reached my house and we said our goodbyes as I walked in to my house, and quietly closed the door and ran up stairs and in to my room, shutting the door and locking it. I sat on my bed and kicked off my shoes, not caring where they landed. Today sucked. Everyday sucks but something about today... Really really sucked. I tried not to pay attention to it but I couldn't help it, as I saw the light reflect off a small piece of sharp metal. The metal that makes me feel. My metal friend. I looked at it and slowly reached for it, and grabbed it, I pulled up my sleeves, there was already a fair amount of damaged skin, scarred skin; some marks old and faded, some new and still rich in color. Did I really want to add more? Yes. They make me happy, and that's something I don't feel often so; of course. Yes. Yes. Yes. I shouldn't even be asking myself that. I gently put it on my wrist, before adding pressure. My breath hitched before I felt the feeling desired. Pain. Pain caused by me which somehow gave me pleasure.

The best part was watching the scarlet liquid pool over my now damaged skin. I enjoy this though. It gives me a sense of control, and even though everyone else hurts me at least I can prove to myself, if I wanted to stop,... I may be able to, but I don't want to. That proves to me that I have a choice in this. I'm able to choose whether or not I hurt myself. So that's what makes me happy. The pain I cause myself, that isn't caused by others. Although, I can't really say that as the complete truth, because I probably wouldn't be doing this if people's words didn't harm me. If Josh didn't bully me. If Liam didn't use me. That's not the point though, as long as I'm doing this, I'll be giving myself more time of life before I take it. It's not like anybody would care if they found out I did this to myself, they'd probably make fun of me more. It's not like people would care if I killed myself either, they'd probably be relieved so they wouldn't have to look at me. Well that's enough for now. I'm just going to sleep the night away.