poems

dear you

dear you,

i want you to be aware that i never intended to hurt you. i am so sorry i did/have. also i really hope you understand i only told your mom about the pills because i care about you. i wasn't trying to get you in trouble... i actually pleaded your mom not to punish you and to try working on improvement instead. i was getting worried about you because you threw up and you seemed so upset i just knew you'd do it again. my assumptions were proven correct when you mentioned how high you were again today. i would really hope you can find a new source of happiness, because i'm sure you're aware many people have died from painkillers. i didn't want to hear from anyone that they found my love dead on the floor with pills in his system. i have stopped taking pills officially and i would hope you have too. i'm sorry for hurting you in so many different ways. i'm sorry if you're mad at me for telling your mom about the pills but id rather you're mad at me than found dead on the bathroom floor.

i understand why you're upset about the breakup and me begging for you back... but i hope you can understand yourself i thought you were too good to be true; so i ended it. i have been lied to, cheated on, used and abused, i have been manipulated and i will not be easy to get down on, no matter how i approach. you were my only exception. you were my everything. everything i want, everything i need.. you have such a kind heart it was so cruel of me to walk all over it. i wish i could take it all back and start over. i wish we could relive our first kiss, our first touch, our first glance, the first time we met on my back porch next to the pool... how everyone thought it was so weird how your mom and i had nearly the same color hair and your little brother chased my cats across the yard. back then we were so unaware of how close we'd become. i miss the pure moments we had. i miss the awkward moments we shared not knowing what to say next. "people always talk about butterflies but... i swear i could've flew away and carried the both of us... (DW)" i miss the way your hands feel around my waist. i miss how you'd gaze into my eyes and pay no attention to a single thing id say. i miss how fucking nerdy you are in the most adorable way. i miss your smile from when i gave you your bday present. i miss you and i'm sorry. there are so many things i wish i would've said... i know i've broken a few promises but one i'll keep is i will find a way to prove to you i am trustworthy even though i've fucked up in the past. i will always be your shoulder to cry on even if i'm the reason you're crying. ill love you unconditionally. yet, i do agree we need time as individuals to learn and grow from this experience no matter how much it hurts not being yours. i'll still attempt to make your day better by surprising you with the little things (such as bringing you desserts.) i will continue that project and give it to you once finished. i will not force affection on you or any of the sort if you're not comfy w/ it. i hope you can forgive me for fucking up so much. just remember i'll always love you no matter what. your boundaries are to be respected as well as my own. i will not date anyone during my healing time b/c as experienced it will ruin relationships doing so. i'm sorry if this is overwhelming i just wanted to get everything off my chest. please be careful and think twice about your decision before you do it. remember to ask yourself: is it worth it? or is it worth my life? if the answer is no please do me a favor and DO NOT do it. i love you _______. i'm sorry for hurting you, take as much time as you need to heal i'll be waiting here patiently for you (whether it is to be your best friend or in a relationship i'm yours forever)

                                                                                                                             Love ,

                                                                                                                                          Maddie <3

"i lost you between the pages 

of goodbye poems
i had already written

i'm sorry–

i tend to let go of people
before they have the chance
to let go of me."