poems

Internet

Faking it by Maddie Duke

Do you know what it's like to be scared of being scared?

To not be able to leave your house without worrying that you'll let someone, or even worse, yourself down in some way shape or form?

I have compulsions, but of course i'm faking it since i'm only a teenager with mood swings.

"You only have tendencies," they would say.

Of course i can fake it! I have all the energy in the world, the internet and, not to mention, the influential mindset that would keep me faking it.

I am manipulative because i know how to lie and i have a bad past of doing so,

No, i don't still do it but how could you trust me if i just told you i did?

I can't go out anywhere without counting my steps at least when i go down stairs or walk on tiles.

I can't go anywhere without someone, or else i'll be worrying the possibilities of any bad thing that can happen to me when i'm alone.

Every situation possible i have over thought, underthought hell i've even thought of it sideways, but of course i'm faking it.

I can't go on buses or planes or cars without somebody i know otherwise i will freakout because there's no easy way out when you're alone.

Who would help a teenage girl having a mental breakdown? Of course she's faking it, she read it on the internet.

Yes, i was a liar but am i now? I can't go to the school nurse if i have a panic attack or simply a mental breakdown anymore unless my vital signs are out of whack causing me to place a mask over my face and subside those emotions and unfortunately i no longer have close friends i can talk to about these things anymore..

And if my vital signs aren't out of whack i obviously deserve iss for the rest of the day, something that will stay on my high school record,

warping my chances of getting into a good college.

Yes, i am happy. I have the perfect life, i have a boyfriend, a loving family with animals included, i can smoke weed when i want to and i can buy my own clothes, as well as see my boyfriend twice a week and sometimes go on vacations with his family and mine.

But that's materialistic. What really matters is what's going on in my head. Nobody can see in there.

Yes i am smart and i can tell you any random fact you want whatever subject but no i don't have good grades, which must mean i'm dumb, right?

Again, just faking it.

Yes i have anxiety, ocd, and sometimes i get depressed. But doesn't everybody? Wouldn't that mean i'm faking it?

And why do i always seem so happy? Is it because i smoke? Is it because everyone thinks i don't care, because i have bad grades? Or am i just unmotivated and nobody wants to believe that because i am a teenager, which must mean i have the energy.

And again... i'm just faking it right?