Stay With Me

September 5th

***
Lou
***

   Everything with Will had been quite a shock for Lou. She had told him she loved him--that she was willing to do whatever it took to make it work with him--but then he'd thrown it back in her face. He was still going to go to that god awful place and end his life. A part of Lou knew deep down that this was always a potential outcome, and she had tried to pretend that she wasn't hopeful that her plan was going to work. But she had been hopeful. She thought, in all honesty, that she could save Will. If he could just see what his life would be like with her! If he could just realize that his condition didn't have to dictate the rest of his life! But he couldn't see it--he refused to see it. Will was a stubborn man, and deep down, Lou knew that too. She knew that there was nothing she could do to change his mind unless she miraculously cured him. She had just wished that her love would've been enough for him. But nothing would be enough, she had come to see that now.

   It was raining as Lou stumbled out of her parents house and down the steps. Heavy sheets of rain made it hard to see her hand in front of her, but she was determined not to spend the day inside and dwell. She knew that in a few hours Will Traynor would be on a flight to Switzerland that he would never come back from. Just thinking about it made her heart crawl into her throat, and a shiver wrack through her body. You couldn't save him, a little voice reminded her. You weren't enough. She viciously threw open the front gate of the garden and slammed it shut behind her, causing the curtains of a few neighbouring houses to flutter as nosy people looked out. Lou pulled a face but was doubtful anyone could see her through the rain.
Now what? Lou looked up and down the street and realized that she had no idea where to go. Her instinct was to go to Granata house and see Will, but her other and more dominant instinct was to get wasted. She tried to remind herself that it was only 8 am and normal, sensible people do not get smashed at this time of day. But Lou did not feel like a normal or sensible person. In fact, she felt quite the opposite. She felt incredibly depressed and manic all at the same time. She wanted to break something and scream and cut off all her hair, but she also didn't want to talk to anyone or leave her bed ever again. Just forcing herself out of the house had resulted in an internal battle. She didn't know if it was better or worse that the manic side had one, but there she was; standing on the side of the street dressed in a yellow rain coat that was doing a rubbish job of shielding any part of her body from the rain.

   "Lou!" Her sister Treena called from the door. Louisa turned around and could just make out the shape of her sister and the light that poured out the door from behind her. Treena had tried her best to help Lou with Will; researching places for them to go, helping Lou book things. But she still couldn't fathom the sheer and utter heartbreak that Lou felt at having failed Will.
   "You can't go out in this weather, you'll freeze! Come on! Be smart, Louisa. Will wouldn't want you becoming a puddle on the side of the road on his account." Louisa shot daggers at her sister. What did she know about Will and what he would want? Hell, what did anyone know about Will and what he wanted?! Lou thought she knew, but she had found out in the worst way possible how wrong she'd been. Couldn't Treena see that? This wasn't about Will--not entirely--this was about Lou. And this was about forgetting.

   "Damn Will! And damn you too!" Lou yelled back at her sister but the volume of the rain--or the sob that she was now choking on--seemed to drown out her words and they were lost in her throat. She watched as Treena grabbed a sweater and held it up over her head as she ran out to Louisa. They stood with the gate between them, the light from the open front door illuminating the grey day that was unfolding around them.
   For a moment, Louisa and Treena seemed like the only two people in the world. The rain was too loud to hear or see anyone else.