For a second, I thought it was another panic attack coming in the way. But it wasn't. It was something else. Something hot. Something burning in my veins. Blood. I felt as though the world was ending. I couldn't breathe, talk or even move. The voices around me began to fade. The faces as well. All I could hear was my heartbeats. Too loud I was frightened someone would hear them. All I could see was fear, running towards like a racing car at night filled with darkness where it's impossible to see past you.
In that moment, all I wanted to do is to disappear. And for the first time, I wished this was one of those ugly nightmares I get when I don't take my sleeping pills. He tasted it. The pain. The same pain I keep reminding him every single day that he will never understand. All of the pain I've been living the past 3 years, he's been living for a lot, lot more.
Now I get it. I get why even though I couldn't dare to let anyone in my life again. I let him in. He has always understood me and never tried to tell me to forget the pain. Because he knew such pain cannot be easily forgotten. He'd let me cry, speak my mind out, curse my life and the day I was born without saying a word. And that was exactly what I wanted, someone to be there and not be there at the same time. I've always wondered why I let you in, Daniel. Now I know.
Zack's voice brings me back to reality. I'm shaking hard. He must've noticed. "Emily? Are you alright?" He whispers. I'm not sure why. Room's full with laughter. I doubt anyone would hear. "Restroom?" I say back, trying as much as I can not to draw much attention. "Down the hall." He looks at me in a way I couldn't quit understand. Is he feeling sorry for me? Or Did he realize he said something he should've said?
I excuse myself politely, holding myself up not to break down in front of dozens of strangers.
I wash my face, drink some water, hit the door with all the strength I got but hoping at the same time no on would hear. I did it few times till my tears finally made their way down my cheeks.
Pain. Pain never leaves me. It always comes back. It's closer than my lovers, closer than myself to myself. If a day passes without it, it comes back ten times worse. If a week passes without, it puts you in bed for a month. Pain never leaves.
I thought about spending the rest of the night at the fancy bathroom I locked myself in. But as the time passed, I realized staying in here would do me no good. But a couple of drinks would.
When I go out, everyone's well seated in the living room, holding their drinks. Except for a couple of people standing by the fire place. I walk as fast as I can and get myself a drink. Daniel gives me a look but continues his chat with one of his aunts. "Easy, easy." I hear an old man behind me. He gives me a warm smile that reminded me of my grandpa. I didn't know what to say so I smile back. "Why aren't you spending Christmas night with your family young lady? I mean, it's a pleasure to have such a beautiful women here in this little house of mine but where are they?" This man's house, who I assume is Daniel's grandpa, wasn't anywhere near "little" and I sort of laugh at that. I'm got drunk already? Ugh. "They're away," I don't want to speak much. I'd rather concentrate on my drink. "Well, we were lucky to have you here today. Enjoy your night," He leaves me with the drink in my hands when he starts to feel that I was uncomfortable.
Five. Drink number five. I take my fifth drink by the balcony. Daniel's too busy to notice that I've gone completely drunk. Zack's nowhere to be found. I'm drowning in Alcohol.
"Thank you for coming today, dear friends and family. For those who don't know, we have a little old fashioned tradition hahaha. Every year we ask a member of the family to make a little speech and tonight it's my grandson Zack's turn. Actually Zack's first speech so.. be ready hahah," The grandfather gets in the middle of the room, taking everyone's attention. Mine too.
"WELL, yeah the first and the last time, grandpap. I'm warning you," The room fills with laughter. I laugh as well but not sure at what.
"I wanted to talk about how lucky I am to have such a family. Everyone of you has always been by my side, always helped me to become the man I am today. I'll always be thankful, even for the ones that couldn't make it today and the ones that are long gone-" I burst into laughter. Everyone's head move towards me. But I didn't stop. I couldn't. And it was a matter of seconds until I feel someone grabbing me by the arm and taking me out of the room.
"What the fuck are you doing?" It's him. "Are you drunk? Jesus fucking Christ Emily," He keeps grabbing me till we reach the door, letting go of my arms only to get our coats. He doesn't even wait for me to wear it. And the freezing cold weather hits my skin when the door's wide open.
We get in the car. He's mad. I can tell. His face is all red. "I'm sorry," I break the silence. "You're sorry for ruining my Christmas night or ruining my family's Christmas night?" He slams his hand on the car wheel. "I'm sorry about your parents," I breathe heavily as I say it.
He stays silent for a while and then opens his mouth. "I can explain," I laugh. "You can explain why you lied to me about your parents?" He stops the car, stays silent for a while again and then continues." I didn't lie to you. You never asked," I look at the street, at the cars moving past us. My vision is unclear. I'm so drunk.
"THAT IS LYING," I scream at him. "Have I ever lied to you? HAVE I?" I don't know if I'm mad at him or at myself. Am I mad at him for lying to me? Or am I mad at myself for all the times I've told him that he'll never get me, that he'll never understand my pain.
"Well, yeah you have. You didn't tell me you're going to fucking kill yourself," None of us makes a sound till the rest of the ride. I lie my head on the car window and give in to sleep.
"Wake up. We're here." We are here. I'm here, drunk, at midnight, being pulled out of a car by a complete moron.
He takes the keys out of my purse and opens the door. I throw myself on the couch once I'm in. It's a bit chilly inside as well.
"Do you want me to make you some coffee?" He asks. With a different, softer tone. "I'm good,"
He just nodes.
I walk to my room, change my clothes with the last bit of energy I've got. I throw myself on the bed and it hits me that I can't take my medicines for the second time this month because of Alcohol. I wonder if he's still there, Daniel. Cause he's not making a sound.
"Emily, are you sleeping?" Here he is. "Mhmm," He opens the door just a little bit so he could get a full view of my face. "Okay. I'm going. Take care." He's about to close the door when I say.. "Stay," I look up at him. "I can't," I wonder if he's still mad at me for ruining the day for him. Well, of course he is, smart Em. "But you've stayed before," I say. "I can't stay when you're like this," That's exactly why I want him to stay. Being home alone and drunk isn't really good for a suicidal person like me. Is it? "Like what?" He rolls his eyes. He knows I'm trolling. "Drunk. Now go to bed. Take care and text me first thing in the morning, Alright?" I hum again and he takes that as a yes. "All right, babe." I shout when he closes the door and close my eyes right after.
