Roman, I Love You

Love and Death

Hello everyone! Okay so this chapter is a big one I will just give you that. Oh and some trigger warnings because I want you guys to be safe and prepared <3

Content/trigger warning: sexual content(not extremely detailed), self harm, and suicide. 

Happy reading - Lyse xoxo

18

I avoided him for the next week, and figured that having Jamie stay over at my place was a good enough excuse since it had been three weeks since the dinner and I had not seen anyone but Roman in those weeks. When I picked him up from Avery's, I put on my biggest smile for everyone and by the time I left I had convinced them all that I was okay. Yet again, I was struck by how the only one who knew how much of a mess I was, besides myself, was Roman. I just could not face him after what I did. The guilt was too much to face, so I ran like a coward.

Roman did not try to fight me when it came to spending time away from him and with Jamie. He spent the week with me. When he was not at school, he was sitting next to me at work. Having him around was just what I wanted. It was so easy, and there were no expectations. The only obligation I had to him was to be around.

Every night, I made dinner. My kitchen was uncharacteristically filled with food. We did not have to do much to be entertained. Board games and movies were the primary evening pastimes, after homework.

Midway through the week, Jamie asked about Roman. It seemed as though after the dinner, he had warmed up to him considerably. Part of me liked it, and the other part told me that it would be that much harder when Roman eventually came to his senses and left me. He insisted eventually that he see him and I could not deny Jamie. So, on Jamie's last night with me, I allowed Roman to take us out to dinner.

So Jamie and I got all fancied up and waited for Roman to come pick us up, he had wanted it to be a surprise. Jamie sat on the couch bubbling with excitement while I put the last couple of things into his bag since he would be going home afterwards. A knock sounded at the door and Jamie jumped up and looked over at me, asking permission to open the door. I told him to go for it while I wondered why Roman even bothered knocking in the first place, he knew how to get in.

It then occurred to me that he was trying to be cautious with me. He knew that I was actively avoiding him, and unlike the last time he understood that confronting me about it was not a good idea. It pained me to think about the lengths he had to go in order for him to try to make me comfortable. It was something I was so unused to at this point in my life.

I entered into the main room with Jamie's backpack over my shoulder and my eyes on the floor. Jamie let Roman pick him up and hug him, though he quickly asked to be let down. When he put him down, Roman made his way to me and stopped just in front of me. I raised my eyes up to him as he gently touched my face.

It felt good to be with him, but all I could see when I looked into his eyes was the expression on his face that night. All I could see was him telling me that he was working to become softer and stop being so rough. He had lived a life with disregard, domination, coldness, and callousness and he was trying not be that anymore. I had asked him to ignore all of that just because I was desperate to feel something. I had used him and he did not deserve that.

"Hello sweetheart," he said and I could hear him telling me it is okay. He leaned down to softly kiss my lips and I could feel him telling me that he forgives me.

"Hi Roman," I replied quietly.

We drove in silence and the entire time my focus was on his hand resting between our seats. I felt like I did not deserve to touch him anymore. I had done to him exactly what I told him I would do. All those months ago on that night that I agreed to be with him. He had told me to fuck him up, destroy him.