Roman, I Love You

Lull For the Night

Content/trigger warning: self harm. Please stay safe <3 - Lyse

7

That night my dreams were plagued with Roman. It was not the sweet, gentle, and comforting Roman that I had recently had the pleasure of meeting, but, instead, the imposing one who was calculating and hard.

I was running. Running through a crowd of people. People who paid no mind to the panic ratcheting my breathing. Breathing was becoming difficult and I could see the end of the room that was a door. A door that I flung open to an even smaller room made of concrete. Concrete that froze me to the bone despite the heat of exertion.

There was no time to turn around and run somewhere else. Roman was behind me. I turned and cowered against the wall as he entered, tall and demanding. He slammed the door closed a key materializing in his fingertips as he locked it. I was sitting against the wall with my arms around my legs drawn up to my chest.

I was shaking furiously; sweat coating every part of my body. He had a coat on and he was slowly unbuttoning it while his jaw flexed with irritation. His eyes were aflame and bore down on me. He shrugged off the jacket and reached into its pocket and retrieved a lethal looking pocket knife. He folded his jacket over his arm purposefully then let it drop to the ground. His attention turned to me as he crouched on one knee to grip the top of my head, his fingers braiding through my hair, and yank me out of my curled position.

I screamed out feeling each individual strand strain against my scalp. My lungs felt like they were going to burst as I struggled to take in air. He pulled me to my feet and slammed me against the wall, letting go of my hair. The relief was short lived as his hand wrapped around my throat instead. My heart was in overdrive and my eyes were blurring.

"Why do you insist upon running from me?" He sneered into my ear.

He kept his angry eyes on mine as his other hand roughly pushed my skirt down, letting it pool around my ankles. I began kicking at him and scratching at the hand constricting my throat. My vision was obsolete by then and my head was pounding with each labored beat of my heart. My hands slackened their fight and my legs stopped their kicking. I gave up and then his hand released me, letting me tumble into a heap on the ground against the wall. I coughed and wheezed as my lungs sputtered and restarted. My palms were against the ground and my face between them as I tried to catch my breath.

"R-Roman," I wheezed. "Please."

I felt him gather me into his arms as he knelt on one knee. He leaned my upper body against his knee as I continued coughing and trying to blink away the tears. He held my face in his hands and kissed my lips softly. He laid me down softly then he placed his hand at the top of my tights. I cried out, but I was helpless to do anything as my body was unresponsive to anything I attempted to command it to do. I heard the blade open and then begin to slice through the material. I felt the material loosen all down my lower half. His hands disappeared.

"On your knees," He barked.

I struggled to do as he told. I stood on my knees with them slightly spread apart. His finger traced the scar again. END. His lips were at my ear.

"Where's the IT," He teased. "Didn't go deep enough?" He continued to taunt.

I whimpered as I thought of the very night that I had carved the words into my skin. He was right, I had not been able to go deep enough.

"Why didn't you?" He asked. "Why didn't you just end it?"

And then I woke up; wheezing, sweating, crying, and tangled up in my sheets. My blades were calling to me stronger than ever.