Skinny*ON HOLD*

Chapter 3

"Tell me what you did after you fasted then binged the first time." Sarah said as we walked into her office.

"I went back to eating normally again. But then I started noticing that I was gaining weight like crazy. I got to 150 pounds before I did anything about it." I say to her.

"Then what did you do?"

"It started with fasting for a day. That day turned into two. Then three. Then four. Then I binged. I purged. I fasted. At first I just wanted to get to 120 pounds. Then 110. Once I hit 110 I wanted 100. I was at a size zero. I loved that number for some odd reason. Soon that number took over my life. Now, at 90 pounds, all I want to see is zero. 80, 70, 60 pounds will never be enough. I just want it all gone. I just want to see zero."

"Zero is perfection?" Sarah asks.

"Yes. Zero is perfection." I reply.

"Even if it means dying?" She asks.

"Even if it means dying."

"Is all this still because of Corbin?" Sarah asks.

"No. After I started eating again and I gained the weight back, I really didn't care what he thought. All that matters was that I was healthy and happy."

"So then why did you start fasting again?"

"150 pounds was the most I've ever weighed in my life. I needed to lose the weight because I was starting to get stretch marks and they scared me." I say while putting my boney arms across my stomach, suddenly becoming insecure.

"So you fasted."

"Yes."

"What was your first weight goal?"

"130. But then once I hit that, I couldn't stop. I needed to me 120, then 110 and now zero." I say.

"Zero." Sarah says while looking down at her notepad.

"Do you think this has anything to do with your mother and brother molesting you?"

"Maybe. They use to call me fat and shit like that, but I don't know." I reply.

"Hm."

"Last night I wanted to kill myself."

"While you were with me?" Sarah asks shocked.

"No. Before I came to talk to you. I remember, I was on my way here and I said to myself 'After I talk with Sarah, I'm going to jump in front of a bus.'"

"Why? Did your mother and brother touch you again?"

"No. I wanted to make the voices stop." I say.

"Are they talking now?"

"No. And last night, at your house, they weren't talking. There's something about you and I don't think they like it."

"They? So there's more than one?"

"Sometimes. It all depends."

"What do they say? How do they sound?" Sarah asks.

"They sound like my brother, mother, and father."

"You've never mentioned anything about your father before." Sarah says.

"Yes. He left when I was ten."

"Okay. Are the voices always there?"

"No. Only when I'm sad or mad. If I'm happy, or with you, they stop."

"Okay. Do you mind if I share this with your doctor?" Sarah asks.

"Only the part about the voices right?"

"Yes. That's all."

"Okay. Do you think I can stay with you again tonight?" I ask.

"Maybe. I just have to see what Dr. Higgens says. If he wants to do testing, you'll have to stay here."

"Okay." I say. Sarah got up and left.

********

"So you don't always hear the voices, do you?" Dr. Higgens asks me.

"Yes. I only hear them when I'm sad or mad."

"And they sound like your parents and your brother?"

"Yes."

"Okay. Sarah, can I talk to you over here?" Dr. Higgens asks Sarah. She nods and walks over with him. I crook my neck to the side so I can hear them.

"She has a form a schizophrenia. Did she suffer any traumatic.....that she mentioned to you?" Dr. Higgens asks Sarah.

"....confidentiality. I can't say unless its okay with her." I crook my neck a little bit more so I can hear better, but they come back.

"I want to keep you here overnight and do some testing. I'll call your mother and let her know where you're at and what's going on." Dr. Higgens says.

"Okay." I say.

"Sarah, will you take Cara up to the 5th floor please?" Dr. Higgens asks Sarah.

"I already know where to go." I say to both of them, then I walk out.

"Cara!" Sarah shouts. "How do you know where to go?" She asks when she catches up to me.

"My father is crazy." I say. Last time I spoke to him, he was here. They say he had schizo, but he just liked to talk to himself. He also thought he had bugs crawling on him."

"Where is your father now?" Sarah asks.

"Probably in a loony bin somewhere over the rainbow."

"So you already know about the 5th floor."

"Yes. That's where all the crazies go for 'testing.'"

"Why the quotes around testing?"

"It isn't testing. The doctors just want to see how crazy someone for proper placement. You know, 'should a patient go to ward A? Are they schizo? Yes, well lets put them in A. If the patient is delusional, lets put them in ward B. Oh no, the patient is delusional and tried to kill their wife, lets put them in ward C under strict lock down. This patient has schizo and is delusional, ward D.' You know 'testing.'" I say before getting into the elevator.

"Well there is testing. They scan brains and bodies an-" I cut Sarah off.

"No. They just say that. My father told me. They keep people on the 5th floor for so many weeks to see how crazy they really are, then send them off to a ward. Don't you know this?" I ask.

"No. I mean, I've never really been on the 5th floor." I look at Sarah. "I mean I have been on it, just never really stayed, only dropped off patients." She says.

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Okay I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Comment, vote, and add to your reading lists.

Thanks,

Morgan Jay.