Secrets

Before Filming

When I first found out that I was cast to play the role of Therese Belivet, I was a little shocked to be honest. I knew the movie was based off a book but I had never read it. Tod Haynes, the director, suggested that I read "The Price of Salt" before we started filming so I could get a bit of background information on the character Therese and how to properly play her. I had decided to rent the book because I'm the type of person who doesn't usually buy books. To be honest I'm really not that fond of reading, however when I started reading "The Price of Salt" I was immediately hooked. I really got a feel for who Therese was and I related to her in so many ways. I was also very interested in the character Carol Aired. She seemed so classy, yet I felt as if she had a dark side to her as well. It was strange. I had so many feelings I can't describe after reading this book. All I can really say is I could not wait to see who was playing Carol. Deep down I hoped that in doing this movie, I would discover a new side of me that has been hidden for so long.
When Tod had called me to audition for "Carol", I was somewhat hesitant. I had read "The Price of Salt" and yes I did like it, but I could never had seen myself in any role from that book. He had told me that he had an idea of who he wanted me to play, so for him I decided to audition. When I went, I was originally auditioning for the role of Abby. I thought "sure this would be an okay role." I was shocked because after reading from the script as Abby, Tod immediately said, "I found my Carol." The night before the first day of shooting, I couldn't sleep. I guess to be completely honest, I was so nervous to find out who would be playing Therese. I knew Carol's and Therese's relationship in the book was pretty sexual and intense, and I was just hoping that I would be working with someone who would help me really get into character. That morning we were all told to arrive on set at 8:00 am. When I got to the set Tod was standing around introducing each actor and actress to each other. When I walked over he turned around to greet me. He announced to everyone, "This is Carol Aired." I remember still being a bit tired so I wasn't quite myself yet. Tod said "There is someone I want you to meet." He and I walked over to the other side of the set and Tod led me to the woman who would start it all. "Cate, I want to to meet Rooney Mara." This is your Therese Belivet." When she looked at me and smiled, I felt an instant connection, a feeling that I had never had before, that I didn't know, not until we stated filming.
Tod had suggested that Cate and I spend some time together off set to bond. That way during filming, we would be more comfortable with each other. We had exchanged phone numbers because everyone on set got a list of numbers in case we needed to contact one another. I had texted Cate Sunday (two weeks from when we first met on set) and asked her if she would want to go grab lunch and discuss our parts with one another. It was strange because I was really hoping she would say no. I guess it was because I was so nervous to be working with her. She was intimidating, but at the same time I felt a strange attraction towards her. I would never have told her that of course. I knew that would ruin everything and make working together awkward. Cate had texted me back around three and asked if I might want to grab dinner instead. We agreed to meet up at Sotto's around 6:30. I wanted to look nice so I wore my blue dress and silver heels. I had hoped to impress Cate and I wanted her to be comfortable filming with me.
I felt horrible because I was running late to meet Rooney at Sotto's. I do have a habit of being late. When I arrived Rooney was standing by the door waiting for our table. I didn't recognize her at first. She looked so different than she did when I fist met her on set, then again, none of us were dressed to the nines. When she saw me she smiled just as she had done on set that first day. The feeling was back. I kept it in though, and tried to ignore it. After the waiter had seated us and took our drink orders, we began to talk. Rooney had asked me about how I landed the role of Carol and what I thought about the book. I admitted to her that I was nervous about filming and I was relieved to hear her say that she was too. The rest of the night I don't remember. We talked and laughed and I really felt a connection. I had a feeling that working together might be a blessing. I thought it might help me figure out a side of me I never knew existed, one where I would be more free; more me.