I've always had a hard time staying in a relationship. I know what you're thinking, "Bree, you're only 17"
Sure, I'm young. But in this day and age, people start dating at a younger age. I also only consider one of my relationships a real relationship.
If you have me on social media or even talked to me in person , you know I was head over heels in love. I never shut up about the boy that had completely taken over my heart. We were only officially together for three and a half months but I was so broken that you would've thought that we were together for years.
I've talked to one or two boys since this relationship but, as usual, it's over before it even starts. Many boys automatically want to kiss, hug, etc. and I just can't bring myself to do it. I'm not the girl that's all over her boyfriend. It takes me a while to warm up to a significant other; it took me a month to even hold my exes hand. I get anxious around my significant other. Part of me knows that it's silly; they aren't out to hurt me , they just want a kiss. But for some reason, I can't change. In the eyes of many people, I'm lame. I'm a seventeen year old that has not had their first kiss and does not send nudes.
No, I don't send naked pictures. I do not think lowly of those that do, I just don't do it. I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I've had conversations with boys that start off normally and end in the question that leads to their disappointment.
"Hey, you're kind of cute." The poor boy will say.
I'll probably say something along the lines of "not really, but thank you!" And be smiling like an idiot.
Soon, questions will be asked about my favorite color, favorite food, and even the color of my hair. Before I can even ask about his family pet, I'll be asked the question.
"Sooo, wanna send a pic (; haha"
My excitement of the blossoming friendship soon fades and the smile drops from my face. Send a naked picture? To someone I don't even know? I think not. I don't even look at myself naked; I shower in the dark just so I won't see my own body. I don't even send pictures to significant others.
I'll decline the request and I'll never hear from the boy again.
For a long time, I would beat myself up over it. I've been cheated on many, many times. I used to think that maybe if I was more open , maybe if I kissed them, maybe if I was more affectionate, they would love me and stay loyal. Part of me still believes that I am not good enough for one person to stay loyal to. Maybe I'll never be able to have a relationship where the boy stays loyal. On the flip side, I know I'm worthy. I know I'm young and I know boys my age only have one thing on their mind. I know that soon enough, someone else will come along and I'll be able to be close and hug them and kiss them. I'm not a "freak" or a "loser" for having boundaries.
To the girl (or boy) reading this that may have the same "ridiculous" boundaries:
You are not alone.
You are not "broken".
You are valid.
