Today is the day I decided to kill myself. Remember? I gave the warning five or more days ago saying today would be the day I'd kill myself. You already know why but I feel like you don't really understand me fully so I'll restate it all for you.
Point one-I'm losing my friends and at the moment I have no one who'd care if I killed myself right now. No one loves me. My family doesn't care. Old friends laugh at me if I try to talk to them. I can't make any new friends. I'm alone practically.
Point two-I've lost all feeling. I have no emotion. My face stays monotone. I've forgotten how to feel or how to smile. I don't remember ever crying. Or what that feels like.
Point three-I'm bullied everywhere I turn. At home. At school. Online. My own comfort place isn't protected anymore. I have notes and letters all saying things I wish not to repeat.
Point four-music is no longer enough for me. I always relied on it but now I can't cause it just reminds me more and more of what people are thinking, saying, or doing to me nowadays.
Point five-my nights are no longer restful. Every dream is either of me killing myself or being surrounded and people taunting me.
Point six-this one is really stupid but...I never will be loved. I fall into love and get hurt and I've finally relived nobody want me as theirs. No one wants me.
Point seven-I can't stand myself anymore. My body is hideous. My arms scared, so are my legs. I don't have that feminine curve or any form of it. I'm starving myself so I'm only one hundred pounds but yet I'm still called fat so I guess I'll never be skinny enough.
Point eight(final point)-everything hurts me more. Every movement. Even breathing and blinking. It hurts. Sleep is even more painful so yes, dreams will be pretty different.
Now that you have the reasons, I'm guessing you want the full story of where this all began. Well it's a long story no doubt. So get comfortable and try to keep up.
I was born April 15th, 2003. My parents gave me the name of Allison Yerning. For the firsts three year of my life everything was simple and ok. Then my dad began hurting me and my mom. He'd beat us violently and he decided to kill my mother one night. When I was five he had already harassed me sexually for the first time. He'd bring a different woman home every night and I'd hear the awful things that happened in his closed bedroom door. Finally I started kindergarten with bruises and scars all over. The teacher gave me concerned looks but then brushed it off as nothing for the rest of the year.
Seeing how I never learned social skills, I had no friends, at all. And for those who came near me I run away and cry in the corner, scared they were going to hurt me. Then Joshua Aikens came to me one day and he hugged me. As an abused five year old I found this odd and I tried to escape his grasp but he never let go, he wouldn't let me go. Everyday he'd come in and hug me. I didn't ask why I just glared at him when he pulled away and he always said,"You look sad." I didn't know he could see how I felt because I have never seen myself to know what I look like. There were no mirrors in my house at the time and emotion was forbidden for me to have. Father hated it when I cried.
The school year ended and Joshua did something I could remember feeling before: A kiss on the cheek. As a six year old I found it sweet. And stupid. We said goodbye and said hello when school started again. First, second, third, and fourth grade went by without a problem. Joshua and I were 'dating' in elementary terms and he and I shared our first kiss in December when I was becoming, slowly, what I am now. I admit, I had fallen in love with Joshua and I wish to be with him forever, but it wasn't meant to be.
First day of fifth grade, he walked up to me saying he needed to talk to me. Turns out love was overrated cause he broke my heart and went out with Mandi Halls, who had gone through puberty faster and had curves in the right places (and was said to have sex every weekend with her current boyfriend.)
I was ridiculed all year and at the end things got much worse: My dad had to remarry because he had gotten one of his hookups pregnant. The wedding happened and my little step-brother entered the world, August 13th, 2013. His name being Joshua Wilks Yerning. The same day my emotions dropped to an extremely depressed low.
I entered sixth grade friendless, figureless, overweight, ugly, and depressed, and mostly just not caring for anything anymore. Why should I fake everything if I know my efforts will be useless? Faking things doesn't change the truth. That year I began scarring my skin. Nobody cared. I was invisible to all and I had an average grade so I wasn't noticed for smarts. I just blended in. That was also the year I got you, Diary, my only true friend. The best listener ever.
Nothing more changed throughout middle school except the amount of scars I had on my body. Still no one cared as I entered high school. Ninth grade year was the longest yet easiest of all years, except for my heart being broken fifteen times-you'd think a girl would learn. Tenth grade was the year I tried all the dangerous things they told you not to do in middle and elementary school, finding that I didn't like any of it. One night I walked home dizzy and drunk and my dad was waiting for me outside my house. He yelled at me and beat me until I couldn't remember everything that had just happened, even though I was bleeding terribly.
The same year I was sitting at lunch alone as usual when the thought of killing myself. In fact twenty eighteen people, one hundred seventy six texts and calls, and family conversations had all told me to go ahead and kill myself on the same day.
Sorry for rushing things, my dad just went to sleep so I kinda want to get this over with and be gone from here before long.
This year, second of high school, started out ok. Then Mandi did something I'm scared to write so let's just say she kissed me in a.... rough, forceful way....in an empty bathroom....and she torn my clothes off....no more details because it's a terrible memory. Then she decided to say I was a lesbian and told the whole school I basically raped her. Everyone laughed at me, tormented me, and some gave me thins like handouts on different sexualities, bibles, protection items, and blades. A lot of them.
I'm really sorry but I have to go now forever. Here's the last things I want to say and leave you with.
To dad-Thank you for showing me how to be strong.
To mom-Thanks you for showing me how to be wise.
To Joshua-Thank you for showing me how to love.
To Mandi-Thank you for showing me how to smile when in pain.
To you (diary)-Thank you for holding my tears, emotions, and everything I've have written here. Please share yourself with everyone.
I, Allison Jane Yerling, leave my memories here for all to read. My death has happened already and you can find my body in the forest by the waterfall. The plans for my funeral are on the next page. All my weapons of self destruction I'm burying before I finalize everything. Little step bro, I love you and I hope you have a great life. Dad, you better love him and your new wife. Kelly, step-mom, take care of my dad for me. Joshua thank you for breaking my heart and I hope everyone had a nice life without me.
Bye.
