Skinny Love

Dead Ended

I lay on the floor leaning against my bed, half way up. I raise the Jack Daniel's bottle from my lap and shake it slightly.

I sigh.

It was almost gone.

I try standing, leaning against my bed, and walk towards my door when I see something, from the corner of my eye. I stop. It was my reflection from my door mirror.

I look at myself. The scrawny portrait and pale faced boy. No wonder no one could help me. It was sick to look at. The bags under my eyes looked like I was severely sick.

There's a reason he did that to me. I wasn't just having a pity party. I was having a spiral of my life, that was going downward... And fast.

I screamed into tears throwing the bottle at the mirror.

"I CAN'T DO THIS!!" I screamed with harsh sobs. There wasn't any concern in being quiet. My dad was always working and everyone else didn't seem to give a shit about me.

I fall to my knees, feeling my chest ache from crying all day. My lungs burned, so did my eyes. I cried into my hands.

I did that a lot, lately.

...cry.

I felt like that was all I ever did. I hate myself for it, but I couldn't help it. Ever since that day.... The day I caught him with someone else... Not just anyone, though... I caught Derek with Lydia.

My boyfriend, ex now, of five years; screwing with the girl who had rejected me before I even had a chance. That's not even the worst part. I caught them on my birthday... Mine and Derek's 5 1/2 year anniversary.

Nothing seems okay, but I'm not going to be the one to break their love apart.

I looked up from my hands, seeing myself in the mirror. I hated my own reflection. I stared at it for what seemed like hours. As if I was waiting for something to change. As if I was waiting for my life to come back together. As if I was waiting for my problems to disappear.

Slow tears streamed down my face. I watched my reflection and I felt rage take over and I gave the mirror a blow of my right hook. The entire mirror was broken, now.

My phone buzzed sitting at the end of my bed. I looked over at it. I knew it would be either Derek or Lydia. I walked over and looked at the Caller ID. I was right. It was Derek calling for the thousandth time.

I didn't want to hear what he had to say. There was no "let me explain" moment. How the hell could he explain his dick in her vagina to me? Fucking seriously.

My phone buzzed again and I looked again. It was Scott this time. I haven't talked to him since he sided with Derek, on Derek's cheating choice. Something about Derek being bored of the same thing for too long. He "needed change," or he'd explode. Looks like he did. Just not in who it was supposed to be.

I just softly chuckle to myself and wipe my tears, feeling the blood from my hand stroke warm onto my cold face. I look down at my hand. My knuckles were bleeding from bashing my mirror. I didn't want to go clean it in my bathroom where there was another mirror. So, I stood up, and walked out of the front door.

I didn't know where I was headed. I was just walking to walk and get out of that confined house. It was cold. I knew driving would be reckless. I didn't have a sweater on, just my flannel with my sleeves half rolled up to my elbows. I just walked and walked, until I found myself standing at my mom's grave.

I looked down at the name:
Claudia Stillinski

I fell to my knees crying again. I missed her so much. I leaned my head against the ice cold stone, and wept.

"I'm sorry, mom.... I'm trying. How do I fight, when there's nothing worth fighting for? I wish you were here with me... You would know what to do... Dad's always working and Derek cheated on me with Lydia. Can you believe that? Scott and everyone sided with him... Allison isn't here to show that what he did was wrong. Apparently, I'm boring..." I sigh and wipe my tears sitting up.

I stared at her headstone, and wiped my nose with my index finger. By the time I looked up the sun was rising. I didn't care. I just sat there.