A New Form of Therapy

Backstage

I look at Marcus, no idea what to say to Justin. Why couldn't he just take the picture and leave it like that? Marcus's expression is hard to read. Justin's expression is hopeful, with an added smirk. I know my expression is clearly conveying to Justin what I'm thinking. He loses his smirk and speaks again.

"If you don't want to, that's okay." Justin is being smart. For once, I think to myself.

I open my mouth to decline the not-so-once-in-a-lifetime, been-there-done-that opportunity. The only problem is Marcus speaks up first.

"I don't mind if you do it," Marcus says. "If you want to. I think it would be a memorable experience." His words are innocent, just like they always are. I feel a twinge of guilt for lying to Marcus. He is so considerate.

I contemplate what my answer should be. On one hand, Marcus is okay with it. There wouldn't be any drama or hatred coming from him. On the other hand, I know why Justin is doing this. It's like a terrible inside joke between Justin and myself. Except I don't want to be part of it.

In all honesty, though, I don't trust myself. I don't trust that I will just go through with this. I don't trust my feelings around Justin and he knows that. Justin knows that I love when he sings to me, playing to guitar. I know without a doubt if I agreed, he would make it an acoustic performance. My feelings for Justin aren't gone and I don't know what to do.

"Just do it," Marcus whispers in my ear as he wraps an arm around me. It's only been a couple seconds since Justin suggested it, but I know I need to give them an answer.

"We need to take the picture and move along," the guy behind the camera says.

"I'll do it," I say quickly before I can back out. Before I really know what I'm saying. Why did I just say that? Why did I agree to do the one thing that could ruin what Marcus and I have?

"Great," Justin's tone is undeniable. I notice Marcus's eyes narrow as he looks at Justin. Why, Justin? Why do you have to be so dumb?

"Let's take the picture," the camera guy says. I agree. Let's just take this picture and be done with this awkward moment.

Justin takes a step to the side, allowing me enough room to stand in between him and Marcus. In the last couple weeks, Marcus's arm around my shoulders has been a familiar feeling. I lean into him instinctively. But there's another feeling I'm all too familiar with as well. A hand, placed strategically just above my hip where he knows I'm most ticklish. I try not to react, but I can feel his thumb adding pressure to just the right spot. I hear the click of the camera shutter and then the camera guy called out next. I immediately step away from Justin.

"I have something for you," Justin says. My shoulders slump. Why can't he just let me walk out? "It's an all-access pass so you can get backstage for the song. When you hear Sorry, just come on back and show them the badge and you'll be set to come back."

I take the pass silently from Justin, careful to not touch his outstretched hand. I slip it over my head, smile, thank him, and then take Marcus's hand and we leave to find our seats. I don't even get to take a deep breath before Marcus is talking.

"So, how was that?" he asks.

"It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be," I say. That's a total lie, though. I'm not sure if he can tell that by my voice. I just wanted to get this over with, but now I have to go on stage with him in front of thousands of others. How am I going to react when he starts singing? What if I get caught up in the moment? Worries are whirling through my mind. "I'm a bit nervous for going on stage, to be honest."

"You'll be alright. Besides, you couldn't pass up an opportunity like that. It'll be fun."

Yeah, I hope so. Maybe this is something that both Justin and I need. A moment to be close to each other and in front of thousands of people. We never really said goodbye to each other. Maybe this will be the closure we both need.