The Probable Phil Chronicles

Part 5

After hours of thinking, Lauren and I were getting nowhere. We decided to break for the night, thinking some sleep would help. The next day dawned clear and bright with birds singing and squirrels playing in the park. I awake to yellow light streaming through my bedroom window. I hastily get up, dress, eat breakfast, and dash out the door and down the street to Lauren's house. Upon arriving, I press the doorbell button. Then press it again. And again. And again. And again. And one more time for good measure. She finally answers the door with an annoyed look on her face.

I don't wait for her to admonish me; I push past her and enter the house. I make a b-line for the freezer, quickly retrieve the ice cream, obtain a spoon, and sit down in the middle of the kitchen floor and begin chowing down.

"Mary, what the hell?!" Lauren yells.

I say nothing and continue eating. Several minutes pass before I consume the last morsel of the delicious frozen cow juice before I begin explaining.

"...So....uh....I have an idea..." I begin.

"That required eating my ice cream?" Lauren questions, very peeved.

"Not necessarily, I just wanted to make sure you're paying attention," I answer confidently.

"That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard...But it's you so I'm not shocked. Now I'm going have to buy some more," Lauren murmured, crossing her arms.

"So," I begin, ignoring her dairy-induced rage, "I stayed awake last night thinking of a way to discover the truth about Phil and his activities of the past two decades. I came to the conclusion that the only logical plan is to retrace our steps so to speak. Take a journey back to that gas station and then go from there towards Phil's beginning."

"Not a bad plan, but do you have any idea where to go from the gas station? Is it even still there? Nothing has been the same since The Collapse that happened, what, 20 years ago?" Lauren comments.

"Of course I have no idea where to go from there, but that's never stopped me before. Remember when I had no idea how to become the weapons master because they were skeptical of my past? Well, look at me now, arming bears and defending the 2nd and 2.5 Amendments! I've never let uncertainty stop me before, and it won't stop me now! Screw the system! We do things the Mary way! Come on dude, all we gotta do is find that old lady and get her to tell us who gave her Phil in the first place..." I trail off, distracted.

"Right, right. The agency never really trusted you, but you proved them wrong...probably," Lauren sighs. "I'll go along with your plan. I don't have any better ideas and nothing to do with my life now that my Netflix binge has come to an end."

"Great! I already packed your bag so let's get going!"

"What? Ah whatever. I've needed to get back into action anyway," Lauren sighs, following after me.

And thus our journey begins. Days go by and we cross dark, tremendous mountains that overshadow valleys deeper than the Marianas Trench. We traverse oceans, braving 100 ft waves and hurricane-force winds. With only a rubber ducky inflatable raft and a jar of peanut butter we successfully survive these trials and continue on into the desert of endless endlessness. Lifeless, judgmental sand is as far as the eye can see, not even a camel or cactus in sight. Following the desert, we trek across the frigid arctic tundra. Sluggish polar bears walk along behemoth sheets of ice in a wasteland of isolation and the deepest cold known to mankind. Or at least known to Mary-and-Lauren-kind. I consider arming the polar bears to continue my "unique" campaign, but decide against it, resigning to trudging along through the rest of the depressing snow. Shortly thereafter, like at least 2 months, we arrive at the rain forest, our final test before reaching our destination. I casually pull out my 30 inch machete and slash away the sea of vines and vegetation blocking our path. A cacophony of noise assaults our ears as thousands of exotic animals voice their displeasure at our arrival. Millions of villainous bugs dive-bomb our faces, giving us battle scars like those of 'Nam. Halfway through the forest, we spot a structure ahead. A temple-ish shape rising above the tree canopy. We look at each other and shrug, deciding to walk past it. This doesn't go as planned, however, because at that same moment, a dark figure appears atop the temple summit.