The Probable Phil Chronicles

Part 16

Lauren, it's not Thursday yet! What do you want?

No time to explain. We are trying to get you out of the parallel universe Phil "accidentally" sent you to. 

As I talk to my comrade, my eyes wander around the room and eventually spot a previously unmentioned and unnoticed switch that says "Portal Opener" on it. 

Mary! Is there a switch by you that says "Portal Opener" on it? 

Ummmm....yeah I think so. There's some weird thing on this tree by me. Is this one of those cheesy action movie scenes where we have to activate the switches at the same time in our respective universes otherwise all hope is lost of getting me back?

Just throw the switch, you weirdo. 

Ok, on the count of three we both do it. One...two...THREE!

I flip the switch to the indicated on position. I can only hold my breath and pray that Mary has done the same and didn't get distracted by some mountain goat or something. Several tense seconds go by with no portal-ish reaction. Then a vibrant green light fills the room and a purple portal opens. An amorphous shape materializes in the midst of the swirling vortex of time and space. It suddenly rockets out of the gateway, slamming into my delicate sternum. After landing on the icy concrete below me, I look up and am face to face with a humble mountain goat. 

I can't believe I called that.

Before anyone in the room can utter a word, a resounding THUD comes from somewhere outside the lab. The other Mary immediately sprints out of the room to investigate and I, shoving the goat off, follow her. We follow the series of noises accompanying the thud until we reach the kitchen. The room is silent when we arrive. 

We begin searching every nook and cranny for the source of the sounds. Eventually, I reach the walk-in pantry and open the door. Not expecting to find anything, I jump three feet in the air in surprise as I set eyes on Mary, eating a spoonful of peanut butter on the floor. It's my Mary. I just know it is. 

"MARY, WHERE THE FRICK FRACK SNICK SNACK PATTY WHACK ORIENTAL REVOLUTION DID YOU COME FROM?! The portal is in the other room! Shouldn't you have come in after the goat?" the words tumble out in a nearly incoherent rush.

"Rupert made it through too! Yasssssss!" is Mary-Mary's only response.

"Mary....you never cease to amaze me in your...."uniqueness"." I facepalm such a face palm that even the palm trees in Guam would be jealous. This disappointing face palm doesn't last long, though, because I quickly crouch down to give my comrade a massive bear hug.

This unusually emotional, serious moment for such a ridiculous story is abruptly cut off as Phil enters the room wielding a nuclear warhead. He has a crazed look in his eyes as he aims the explosive at Mary. 

"Lauren, step away! That's not Mary! You see that scratch on her chin? That's the tell-tale mark that my old boss had before he went insane, stole 300,000 nuclear AK-47's, and vanished. He's come back to kill us!" he shouts with foam spewing from the corners of his mouth.

"Dude, I got this scratch from tripping and hitting my face on a tree in Yosemite five days ago..." Mary trails off uneasily.

"Plus, she's a girl and it sounds like your boss is a guy based on your pronoun usage. So how does it make any sense for Mary to be him?" comes my fiery backup. I feel rage building inside me, everything turns a shade of red, and my hands twitch with the urge to strangle Phil for threatening my friend who just returned. 

Phil responds but in a series of incoherent words and noises resembling those of a woodchuck on drugs inside a rattling washing machine. He starts pressing the controls for the nuke, readying it to fire. I have to do something and fast.

I throw caution to the wind and tackle Phil, knocking the warhead from his hands. It lands with a satisfying metallic CLANG on the ground. Unfortunately, this particular explosive is activated by the controls as well as impact. 

In the brief .00000737 seconds between when the bomb went off and when the radiation and fire would start destroying our bodies, a radiant purple light shines in between us. Some unseen hand, furry perhaps, grabs my arm. In less than the blink of an eye, Mary and I find ourselves in a building we have never seen. We look around and see bookshelves, a fire place, and a cozy kitchenette. A note is on the counter, flapping in the gentle breeze from the unsuspicious ceiling fan. My comrade and I cross the room and look at the note. It's folded three times, looking like someone really failed at doing origami with it. Words scrawled in viscous red ink cover the page. 

It reads:

Deeply Detested Human,

We have brought you to one of our numerous safe houses to preserve you until we are able to return and continue our plans for you two. We will be back in approximately 737 seconds. First, we have to take Phil to the world's most secure mental asylum so he can't get in our way anymore. Don't bother trying to escape. The doors and windows have been locked and reinforced with steel plating, and we sealed all the air vents. I guess that means breathing is going to become difficult without the fresh air from the vents, so try not to die before we are back. 

Love but not really,

Evil Otters

"We can't stay here! They'll kill us!" exclaims Mary for the first logical time in her life. 

"For once, you're right. We need a plan to get us out of here and quick," I respond, looking around with a determined and quizzical look in my eye.

Mary doesn't answer and starts looking around for a way to escape. Apparently spotting something promising, she darts across the room to the fireplace. 

Does she expect to Santa her way out of this?  I wonder confusedly. 

She proves me wrong, though, as she grabs a fire poker from the hearth. Carrying the utensil across the room, Mary stops by the closest door to the kitchenette. Firmly grasping the tool turned weapon, my comrade drives the sharp end into the mahogany door 737 times. She barely makes a dent, but continues trying to chip away at the barrier as I begin to look for another solution. 

Nothing suitable appears to be in the room until my eyes happen upon a bobby pin on the counter. I don't know how I missed it before, seeing as how it is literally two inches from where the note was left. Not dwelling on my inattentional blindness, I grab the bobby pin and approach another door. 

For the next minute, I attempt to tamper with the lock but to no avail. I eventually give up, toss the pin across the room, and stomp around the perimeter, frustrated at the seemingly inevitable truth of the situation. I slump to the ground, defeated.

Mary, however, refuses to quit, so she tries every door in the place in the hope of finding an open one. Every one appears to be locked tight until she approaches the last of the doors in the room. Just as she is a mere .0737 inches away from the door, my friend trips over her previously unmentioned untied shoe lace and slams her face into the supposedly solid mahogany barrier. 

The door instantly opens and falls onto the ground as its hinges lose their grip. 

Not taking time for congratulations, I dash across the room, grab my comrade's arm to pull her up, and sprint outside. Just as we pass a suspicious, lonely bush, we hear the sound of clinking keys opening the front door. The door  groans like a depressed whale as it slowly opens. Not thinking, I drop to the ground and take my partner with me. 

Thank God this bush is here to hide us, I think in nervous relief. The otters could still easily find us, as the bush doesn't cover all of our bodies, but for the moment we are safe....That is until the otters start looking for us...