cinnamon ♡ lh [discontinued]

internal thoughts on writing because i feel like uploading something like this

exactly what you've read in the title.

i feel the need to tell you what exactly being a writer is. not writing in general but specifically being a writer. and from now on, capital leters and full seriousness.

When I was close to 10, my primary school teacher told us to write books. She never said novels, stories, she just said 'books'. So I did. I wrote my first ever BOOK, not novel, and brought it up to school. It was about two friends, a cat, a mouse and another animal I can't recall now, who were all very unlucky. The bad luck was caused by the fact that they were imagining it. The end. It was 7 pages and about 15 sentences long, including a long, full page description of what happened in the story for the dumb people that didn't understand it the first time.

And it won 2nd place in class to a girl called Paula whose book, or should I just name it - a kick-ass story, was written by her mom who was LITERALLY obsessed with her daughter being the best (and me usually taking her place because I was a smart kid back then, she hated my guts but that's another story).

But it wasn't the balk that affected me, it was acutally the win over all the other people who tried their best to write a good book. Sad but true. Being better than someone always makes people happier, even though they try to hide it because of their conscience or friends.

The thing that is important about this entire story I've just shared with you is that it's been almost 7 years of writing for me. And it all started when I was a stupid child with ambitions to become someone big (I think at the time it was my dancer stage). And ever since then, I've been on a journey only other writers understand.

People tend to tell me they admire, adore or simply enjoy my works yet they keep asking "how do you carry on with all your stories?" and "do you ever think of giving it up?". I've already been through the stage of disbelief ("they obviously ask these things because I suck as a writer and they are too nice to tell me directly") so I'm now curious why they're asking. I mean, there has to be a reason. And I've looked it up.

It turns out people who don't write just don't get it and vice versa. I could not believe how they didn't know why I write. It's just an obvious thing to me.

Writing is not just an action. It's not even 'a state of mind' as people like to call useless and unimportant shit. Writing is literally the entire world perspective. It's seeing above the walls of monotony, habits and ordinary life. It's hearing your friend's heartbeat in a blasting arena when she sees her favourite band for the first time. It's noticing the literal change in people's iris colors. It's seeing a couple holding hands in the street and trying to guess their story in all details.

Have they met in a corner coffee shop, ordering the same thing and thinking it was funny because no-one but them liked that kind of coffee ever before? Have they fought many times before today? Are they going to break up or is this relationship a homerun? Is her mother sceptic about him but her father loves him?

Being a writer is much more than just writing as people would think. It's sharing all your experience, all your observations and speculations with other people in order to feel that little needle called proudness pinch your heart when you hear that your work is flawless, when you win a competition with it or when you simply see you mom smile as she's reading the first manuscript of your new novel. Being a writer is loving the world so much that you want to give it all to it all. To give the world to the world.

And why haven't I given up, they still ask? If this is not enough proof, I will tell you a short story from yesterday.

I was going home from school by bus at 4 PM (so damn tired, that's the point) and all I wanted to do was sleep but something told me to look up. And I did. A man in his 50s was reading a huge book (I think it was at least 800 pages long) and he was smiling as if the author was doing his job well. So I remembered my 'Invisible Jesse', the work I've started in summer but left it after 22 pages. I thought about going home by bus again but even more tired because of the ammount of sleep put off in order to finish writing. And I thought of another 50-year-old reading a book with an unconscious smile on his face because the book was so good.

But what I focused on was that he would be reading my book.

I then thought of it being available in book stores. I imagined myself going shopping and looking for some new stories to read and running into my own on the 'bestselling books' rack. I thought of walking down the hall of my school and being stopped by a girl, telling me she loved Arabella in this book and that she needed a sequel.

I imagined my work being read and liked. Just like here, but bigger.

That's why I keep going. That's why Cinnamon still exist even though I literally have no idea for where to take the book. That's why Invisible Jesse is still a thing even though I've left it before. That's why I've brought 'Sparkle' to 212 pages and left it only because going through it for corrections would be less effective than starting over. That's why I'm now in the 9th best high school in my country even though I live in a small city (basically the best school in the nearest 3-4 counties). That's why I still have grit and keep going.

I am one lazy ass person. But I still keep going because I love writing.

*that's also my only cure for loneliness but that's a whole different story not really worth sharing*

The reason I'm posting it here is that, yes, the update isn't ready because I'm having 'the stage' as I call it. This is literally the part of my writing cycle when I'm insecure about the plot and characters mainly and need constant reasurance I'm doing okay. When it happens to me with my other works that are not on wattpad, I print a dozen copies and hand it out to my classmates. It usually works.

But here it doesn't and this is possibly the reason why I've finished only one wattpad story as planned (a.k.a. as soon as planned; the others were like cut in the middle of the action and finished with a confusing epilogue). And I'm afraid Cinnamon may end just as those. Or even worse.

I'm just warning you. Don't stop reading it and loving Lunuke please :c

Always loving and caring,

Boo a.k.a. the writer