Despondency

There's An Emptiness Inside Our Heads, That No One Dares To Dwell.

Hospital For Souls - Bring Me The Horizon

For weeks Brad and my grandparents had tried bringing me to the hospital. But I couldn't get myself to do it. I mean how can I possibly face my mother when she's basically laying on her deathbed? I can't win no matter what. She's going to look worse, and at last she won't be able to hold herself up, and that's it. She will get weak, and then she'll be gone. How can I possibly just sit next to her and wait for it to happen? I can't even do anything about it. So instead of being with my dying mother, I decided that staying isolated in my room would be the better option, and I couldn't let Brad be there. He'd convince me to come to the hospital. He makes me weak. I want him here more than anything, but I have to stand by my choice. Things always turn out too complicated for me.

"Clara please let me in. You've been in there for a week now. You've barely come out and you haven't eaten at all. I'm begging you", Brad sounded through the door. I sighed quietly and buried my head in the covers I had been hiding under. I clung on to them like they were protecting me. Of course I knew that my cover wouldn't do exactly that, but it was comforting. It was the only thing in my room that made me feel just slightly better since I could just crawl under it and close my eyes. "I'm not going to force you to the hospital okay? I just want to see you". I contemplated whether to let him in or not. He could be lying. He's very good at persuasion so he'd find a way to let himself in anyways. Why not just spare the both of us time? I groaned as my legs shook when I stood up. I hadn't been doing much this week. Mostly just lying in my bed listening to old Panic! At The Disco and All Time Low songs. They always made me feel better. They made me feel further away from the harsh truth and my life. Who wouldn't want that chance to escape once in a while?

I had to drag my feet all the way to the door, and it felt like my shoulders weighed a ton and that my feet were made of cement. My head was hung low so I could focus on my feet, so I wouldn't stumble and fall. It would be very likely to happen if I didn't watch where I went. I had no coordination. I stopped up an inch from the door and rested my hand on the doorknob. Do I really want to put myself through the talk we are definitely going to have when I open it? Am I even ready for that? "Clara. Please", he sounded in pain. Even though my brain told me no, my heart told me that I had to make sure he was okay. It was an instinct I had gotten after starting to date him. I had to make sure he was okay before I could even remotely get closer to being okay myself. I turned the key to the side and as it made a click sound to unlock it, I took a step back. Brad hearing it too he instantly gripped the door handle and opened the door to face me. His hair was drenched. I didn't know that it was raining. Probably because I haven't glanced out of my window or heard the rain. His brown eyes looked big in his face, and he was wearing a leather jacket, a white t-shirt, black skinny jeans and a pair of boots. He looked incredible unlike myself. My hair was greasy and lifeless, I was wearing a black T-shirt and some pyjama shorts. Of course my fluffy socks. They came with the self pity package. The tears came with that package too. At least I knew that Brad was okay. Before I could even get a chance to do anything Brad enfulged me in a hug. Great. Now I was drenched too. "I've been so worried", he whispered in my ear, kissing it softly so it sent shivers down my spine. He couldn't say stuff like that. It made me feel too good. I couldn't feel that. I pushed him away slightly and backed away. I crawled into bed and looked at the hurt going through his eyes. I didn't want to hurt him. To try and make it better, I pulled my cover to the side as to offer him to get in here with me. He understood what I wanted him to, and he took off his leather jacket before crawling into bed next to me. "You're cold", I whispered as I laid my head on his chest. "It's been raining all day. And I've talked to my lawyer, then I decided to bring food", he whispered back running his hand softly down my cheek. My stomach grumbled in response. "Please eat. I bought Chinesefood. It's in the kitchen". I knew he would persuade me in some way, and I didn't feel like fighting to not eat, so I just nodded. "I'll be right back. Don't lock me out again". He kissed my forehead and ran down the stairs to get the food. I was really hungry. He came back in a matter of two minutes and I could see the relief on his face when he saw I hadn't locked the door. The smell instantly filled my nostrils and my stomach was aching after food. "You look like you're about to eat me", he joked handing me the bag with food. I didn't answer but dug into it without even thinking about what it was. Brad placed himself back in the bed and opened his box and ate it slowly. After eating mine I was looking at him. I knew he was going to offer me his food, but he had to eat too. I denied his offer after he proposed it, and his face fell a bit. "Clara I can live without a bit of food", he argued. "Maybe, but I don't want it. please I don't want to argue". After searching my face for a sign that I did want it, he gave up and continued. An awkward silence fell upon us and I pulled the covers closer and tighter around my body to keep the cold out. It wasn't cold because he was wet. It was a different kind of cold. Like no matter how hard you try to keep warm, you feel cold right into the bone. It won't go away. "You look a bit pale Clara. Tell me what I can do". I knew what I wanted. But I also knew that Brad could never give it to me. "I can see you want something. Tell me", he pressured on. Trying to make it sounds like a not so big deal I faked a laugh and said, "Make my mom healthy". Tears already appeared in my eyes as the image of my mom healthy and alive popped up. Brad sighed and pulled me sideways into himself. "I'm sorry", he whispered lightly. "How am I ever going to look past this? I don't want to move on". My voice sounded too vulnerable. I didn't like it. It only happened when I talked about mom. "Clara you'll never get past this", he brushed his hand through my greasy hair. "-But you will move on". "How?". "Time. I know everytime you hear this word you want to punch someone in the face, but fact is that it's true. Give yourself time to process. You've only given you time to suffer through this alone. You're not". I couldn't keep the tears back anymore and let them get their will. That was all I could do at the moment. Cry, pity myself and sleep. Now I could add eating to the list too. What had my life become? "Can we go for a walk? I think you need some fresh air", Brad suggested. I looked at him. He was still so wet. "But it's raining?". Brad grinned and stood up. "Two in one. You need a shower". I glared at him but I knew he was right. Still I wouldn't let him get away with that. I faked my sulking and hid under my covers once more. "No, Clara I'm sorry. Please don't hide", he apologized sounding a bit panicked. I smiled to myself. The cover was lifted and Brad saw me smiling. "You tricked me?". I nodded and giggled. That was a long time ago since I've giggled. Before I knew it Brad had picked me up and was half across the room. "No Brad stop!", I yelled and punched his back. "Keep punching darling, you'll never get anywhere". I could literally feel the smirk that was plastered on his face. Feeling drained from punching I stopped and hang loosely from his body. I couldn't hear Brad sighing but I could feel it. Only slighty. He was trying to hide it well. I don't think he wanted me to know how disappointed he really was. As he put me down on the floor at the front door I quickly hugged him and kissed his shoulder to make it up to him. He placed his hand on my cheek and caressed it. I closed my eyes and savoured the moment. Only for it to be ruined by my grandparents. "Oh look she's out of her room!", grandma yelled, and power walked to the hall. I awkwardly stepped away from Brad and looked at the floor. "Are you hungry my dear? Do you need anything?". No doubt she was worried. I felt a bit guilty knowing I had made her worry that much. I was only thinking about myself. Not Brad, not my grandparents, not Jacob, not dad and not even mom. Mom. My heart clenched as I closed my eyes and saw her right infront of me. "She's eaten. We were just going out to get some fresh air". Brad sounded happy. As if he had achieved something great or just won the lottery. It made me feel a little better that he cared about me that much. He had always cared about me, and put me first. I'm grateful to have him in this dark grey time. Not everyone has that kind of support. "Oh how lovely dear. Remember warm clothes. It's terribly cold today. I nodded agreeing. "Go up and change Clara. You can shower when we get back", Brad ordered me and I agreed. 10 minutes later I was packed up in my black jeans, black turtle neck and winter jacket. I put on my boots and a pair of gloves just to me sure. Rather sweat than freeze. "Ready?" he asked. He looked beautiful. His hair was still damp from the rain and he was wearing a black beanie. He smiled softly at me and reached his hand toward me so I could take it. I did and he took it as a yes.

After we'd said goodbye to my grandparents I figured that Jacob was sitting on the couch watching Spiderman. I think that was his way of coping. I had realized that everyone has different coping mechanisms. I lock myself in to be alone, dad drinks to forget, Jacob disappears into another world, grandpa sleeps and grandma is in the kitchen 24/7. I haven't seen her cook but sometimes I just laid in bed listening to their conversations if they spoke loud enough. Most of her conversations on the phone was about recipes for apple pies and all different kinds of cakes and pastries. How can she possibly have the strength to even talk to people? I feel like there's something pushing at my chest every time I talk or just think about talking. As if someone doesn't want me to talk. As if I physically can't talk. "What are you thinking about?", Brad asked as we made our way down the road. It got darker and darker the further away we went. Mostly because the street lamps didn't work and it hadn't been fixed in forever. After a while people just got used to it. I hated the darkness. So many things could hide in there. Darkness is endless and cold. Just thinking about being trapped in darkness made me shudder. Brad looked worriedly at me and I shook it off me. I didn't want to ruin his good mood. I had already been too selfish for a lifetime. "Just Jacob. I'm scared of how he'll take this. He's just a kid", I mumbled feeling the tears coming. I pushed them away resisting the need to run back and crawl to my safety space that is my bed. "He doesn't understand what is happening. He will make it, just like you will. Have some faith". Brad let go of my hand and placed his around my back and moved his arm up and down in soothing motions. "I've seen kids losing their parents at an early age. It never ends well", I whispered all the blood draining from my face. "He has you Clara. You're already like a parent to him. You're his best friend. You have to be strong for the both of you". I knew he was right. But how could I? "I'm not strong", I whispered fear hanging clear in the air. "You are. I know you are. I'll help you, every step of the way too. Please, never keep your feelings to yourself. Let me help". He stopped and placed both of his hands on both sides of my face. His hands were warm even though it was ice cold outside. I closed my eyes slightly and let the warmth spread through me as fire. "I'll try". That was all I could promise him. I'd try. I opened my eyes and saw Brad smiling down at me. He was clearly satisfied. How would I ever be able to deal with all of this without him? He's so pure and honest. When he's happy his eyes sparkle in this special way that has me mesmerized. When he's upset or frustrated his eyes darken and lose life. It can make anyone cry just by looking at him. I don't understand what I've done to ever deserve a guy like him. He's my light in the darkness. 

A/N: 

Hey guys! 

Again for the millionth time I apologize for the very very late update. Let's just say that since I started college my free time has been very limited. I've had to get used to so many things as I've been at the same school for all my life and college is new, filled with strangers and new subjects (Latin is a nightmare). But I've been writing very small pieces when I had the time and at some point I got the time to finish this chapter. 

Other updates probably will be late and slow. I apologize. I hope you guys are still out there though. Hang in there and have some faith in me xD 

I love all of you! 

- Anna xxx